So Glad I'm Here

A big catch up....September

2012-01-14T20:21:00.011Z

Jam making time

Peppers grown in the sun-lounge

and made into dinner!

Sophia's 7th birthday (I still can't believe she is actually 7!)

Yes - that is a chocolate cake - first time I've ever made a "proper" cake!

pass the parcel at her party

Wearing the rossette he was given at the sheep dog trials - a very happy boy

And now Elena is 2!

Next up - October! :)

A big catch up...starting with August!

2012-01-13T21:45:00.014Z

6 MONTHS?? How can it really be 6 months since my last post? I am a bad blogger! We came back on the blog for the first time in a long time this afternoon when Sophia asked if she could see the pictures of her carrying Elena in the sling when Ellie was a baby, looking over the pictures on here with them all I just knew it was time to catch up and get some photos on here - there are hundreds to choose from! I'm going to post photos for each month we've missed in different posts to avoid photo overload in one post!

First up: August 2011:

Trying out mummy's glasses

Where oh where could Nico be?

There he is! :)

So that's what younger siblings are for!

Mummy's birthday lunch and walk

Nico couldn't believe his eyes!

A visit from Nanny and two new arrivals to the family - guinea pigs Tom and Ted!

So nice to play with cousin Henry

Builders in the street are favourite around here

It's so lovely, and a little overwhelming to go back through the last 6 months in pictures. You see how much they've grown, how the teeth she never thought would grow have filled in the gaps, how the baby's once short and whispy hair is fuller and longer, how 6 months can change us all so much - and you know deeply what you know secretly all the time, that these days are short and fleeting and stopping to catch the moments, to pause and savour for a minute longer is oh-so-worth it. September coming next!

{this moment}

2011-07-29T16:04:00.004+01:00

{this moment}

A snippet from our week
An ordinary moment to remember forever, because the ordinary moments are often the best

The glasses are here - the story is helping me adjust........and Nico needs a little help too - he's having trouble looking at me - because I "don't look like the same mummy"...... :-)

Bit of a weird week!

2011-07-27T09:27:00.003+01:00

This is just a quick post - because I can't see to type properly at the moment! In the last week, what has been evening headaches and tiredness - which I put down to just being tired, has really intensified and so I headed off to the opticians "just in case". Turns out I do need glasses and with each day now the strain my eyes have been under gets more obvious and painful - so a break from the computer is in order! I should have the glasses soon - I hope so - because not being able to read is cruel punishment to me indeed.
I just want to quickly write a few things that have happened the past few days which I don't want to forget and then I'm signing off until I can see properly again! :)

Sophia lost her second middle top tooth on Monday. The 'Tooth Fairy' left a button with a special sparkle fairy on it, which was a sign that it's time to start The Seven Year Old Wonder Book with her - very exciting - now we just have to wait for mummy to be able to read again!

Elena has spent most of the week walking around with the harmonica in her hands and to her lips. Not long ago she was going around saying "woofoo, woofoo" and looking madly for something. It took me a little while to realise it was indeed the harmonica - which she calls the "woofoo" she was looking for. She loves it - and it's brilliant to take in the car because then I can tell she's still awake when she's in the back woofooing away!

We took a visit to the Penrith show last weekend, and Nico thought it was utterly amazing. Going to shows like that always makes me think of my childhood, as we spent almost every weekend as children taking our ponies to shows like that - doing cross country, show jumping and the like. Just seeing and smelling the horses made me feel all cosy - it's like one of those immediate triggers like Shirley Hughes story books, rainy Sunday afternoons playing with cousins, or The Antiques Roadshow theme tune, which just makes me feel all the warmth and love of being little, and I was immediately so grateful to my dad for taking the time every weekend to do those things with us after a busy working week, it made me wonder what the sights, sounds and smells will be that my children will link to childhood itself in years to come.

Right - that better be it, because words are beginning to dance around this page!

See you properly soon I hope! :) xx

Pink Nails

2011-07-19T10:18:00.005+01:00

One dress rehearsal and a three night run, including an after-show party of course, left one very tired Mama here on Sunday. No batteries in the camera mean less photos than usual and all of that means one patchwork blog post today - bare with me.

I don't remember the last time, probably new baby days, when I literally couldn't sit on the sofa without falling asleep - Sunday was touch and go, but it was worth it, it always is isn't it? The play was amazing, and every time I do something like it - there's a voice in my head that says "this is it - you've found it now, don't let it go again" and I won't - though it felt hard to justify on Sunday. Sophia and Nico made dinner because by that time I was pretty much passed out in the living room, we all curled up in bed at 7pm and I don't remember another thing until gone 7am Monday morning. I woke up a little more human.

All that remains of my night time antics now are 10 fingers sporting chipped, luminous pink nail varnish and a few photos - I'll get to those in a minute....

***************

I knew all the other actresses in the company who have either fully grown or no children, would be sleeping in till lunch time and spending the rest of Sunday quietly nursing tired heads and aching bodies - and I found the 6.30am wake up call a little early, I'll admit, but oh - I wouldn't take waking up in a quiet house and missing out on these faces for anything

There were books piled on the sofa all day, next to a mummy who could almost make it to the end of one without falling asleep. They read me some brilliant stories though.

And I gave thanks for the sand pit once more.....

and Elena thought she might seize the opportunity to get away with breaking the "No chickens inside rule" - she almost got away with it

And that was mostly how Sunday unfolded.

**********
In August I'm off to a week long acting summer school, it will be like another life for a week - George and I will be undertaking some serious planning to get him through!
In other news, I've been listening to some brilliant talks by Donna Simmons on my ipod at bedtime and while driving to and from rehearsals, including the first grade talk. September is fast approaching again and Sophia will be entering First Grade in Waldorf terms. I'm trying to get my head around fairy tales and letter stories and the fact that she is going to be 7. So far we haven't done any planned "lessons" at all and I don't see that changing drastically, but I think she'd really enjoy making some beautiful pictures of the letters, most of which she's learnt herself already, and I plan to start reading to her the Seven Year Old Wonder Book, among other things I'll share on this space soon. So much to be thinking about!

But first of all there's still recovering to do and sunshine to enjoy and playmobil cities to be constructed and - oh yes, some photos to share - here's me as Anna in The Regina Monologues!

photo Keith Fitton, edited by Amelia Loulli

and crazy photo edits are fun-

Oh yes! the music - this time, it's Le Onde - the first piece I ever heard by Einaudi on a children's classical music cd I bought when I was pregnant with Sophia. I played it to her thousands of times while she was snuggled up in there - and they still love this one the most. It's especially perfect for lazy days spent snuggled on the sofa after Mama's been out playing for a few days don't you think?

I did say patchwork post right? Good, I think that's all.

{this moment}

2011-07-15T15:48:00.001+01:00

{this moment}

A snippet from our week
An ordinary moment to remember forever, because the ordinary moments are often the best

inspired by Amanda Blake Soule

Nuvole Bianche

2011-07-12T09:33:00.002+01:00

I've been playing Einaudi's music for years. It's without doubt my favourite music to play. Last year a new piano pupil came to me reluctantly. She'd stopped taking piano lessons years before, and wasn't thrilled at the thought of having to take them again, but she came to meet me to prepare a piece for her GCSE music exam. She had a piece in mind - something she'd heard in an advert and really liked - but she was convinced she'd never be able to play it. "Do you know who it's by?" I asked her. "A name that's hard to remember - Audi or something like that". She probably wasn't expecting the unleash of excitement and enthusiasm that followed - but I couldn't believe it. The piece was this one - Nuvole Bianche meaning white clouds.

The work she put into this music over the next few months was unbelievable and I looked forward to our lessons every week. I just loved watching her turn from somebody who took months to actually book a first lesson because she really wasn't looking forward to the whole thing, to somebody who played every day - and loved it. This piece isn't the easiest to learn - especially not for somebody who hasn't played much in a while - but there was no doubt we'd go for it. There is one part of this piece though, the bit that really "gets going", which is technically quite tricky and she really struggled to get her fingers around it. We thought about skipping it altogether she was that convinced she'd never get it. But we persevered, painstakingly working every note over and over with each hand for weeks. Every lesson though, I watched her tense up as soon as she got to that bit and I realised the problem.
I told her, next time she came to it - to not think at all. To play it as fast as she possibly could - faster than we'd want it to be in the end - but just to really go for it - no thoughts, no can'ts - just to let her fingers go.
She did just that and she played it. And it was beautiful. Her fingers knew exactly where they had to go next, she'd done all the work to make it possible, and as soon as her mind got out of the way - she was playing it and even she couldn't believe it. Her fingers were literally flying over the notes.
Playing Einaudi is like that and that's why I love it. The music is in essence, so simple, but it's something of a "finger twister" if you think about it too much. And in that way, playing his music, is just like parenting - you have to get out of the way to let it flow - stop worrying about whether or not you really know what to do for this next bit or the really tricky bit you seem to stumble on all the time - and instead trust that you've got this - and enjoy the ride.

If I let them, my children help me do this every day. The way they live, their ability to let go and just be........happy

I'm still trusting I know how to get my fingers around this parenting jig. Einaudi? - I got it, but parenting? - gardening? - homemaking? - well some days I've got that too - but I still have to go back to seperate hands and run the root, technical bits now and then - "Take a deep breath" "Validate their feelings" "Just give them a hug". And in amongst it all, every day I grow a little bit further into this life, seeing a new bit of beauty I hadn't noticed before, or finding a great new way to use a space in this home

Its funny because I've found on my camera lately loads of photo versions of me looking into our house - and that's just what I feel like some days. I walk around my home, see my children, look in on my life and I can't believe it's mine. I feel utterly grateful and a little overwhelmed - but I see us settling into our space here a little more every day, and watch us find our feet together on this journey

or, if you're Elsa, find ways to get your feet off the floor - this girl will hang, dangle or turn herself upside down on anything, given the chance - and often when she is walking - she's on pointe - no kidding! Tiptoes extreme. We're all very impressed with her skills.

******************

And so, just as when I've played that piece enough times to know I know how to do it - and then have to sit back and let it happen, I continue to strive for a balance between chasing my own dreams for the future and living this one right here - whilst helping them find their own dreams to follow. So one day that means I'm walking around the house - or rather attempting to walk around the house in stilletos to practice for the play this week - and making every one laugh, which isn't really the point - and then getting ready for evening rehearsals and theatre trips

and then the next day I'm transplanting lettuces in flip flops, loving the fact I have no idea if I'm doing it right but just so glad I'm doing it at all

and while one day I'm excited by sub-text, performance skills and the perfect curtain-call, the next I'm totally elated by the addition of a world map to our walls - the very picture of home-schooling I had in my head when I first heard of the idea when Sophia was a toddler, was of a busy house, full of children and things going on all the time, with a map on the wall - I knew we'd get to that place one day

I think we might have arrived. I just love this room, which is the space we live in when we're not in the garden. I love that at 9am (above) we're round that table having already done so much and we're still there at 5pm - with a little bit of here-and-there in between of course

**********************

Have I mentioned my lacking gardening skills? Here's Nico's "pumpkin" we've been lovingly nurturing for months

a friend came round the other day and subtly pointed out it is in fact not a pumpkin - but a weed. A very strong, well looked after weed - I might add. Nico loves it anyway. The tomatoes are definitely tomatoes though

My pupil nailed this piece in the end. And now she's as hooked on Einaudi as I am. Hooked on Einaudi - hooked on life - there's not much difference to me.

{this moment}

2011-07-08T17:21:00.003+01:00

{This moment}

A snippet from our week
An ordinary moment to remember forever, because the ordinary moments are often the best

inspired by Amanda Blake Soule

Music

2011-07-04T13:49:00.010+01:00

Warning - turn your sound down if you need to - this blog now has music! :)

Music is a massive part of our lives. Being a piano teacher and somebody who processes almost everything through songs heard or written - our house is not often without music of some kind. Looking back on posts on this blog I find it funny that it hasn't been mentioned on here barely once, when it's as much a part of our day as food or fresh air. I've thought about putting music on this blog since I started it and since writing about the music we love doesn't really cut it, I've decided to start sharing on this space the music that lives in the soul of our family. I'm going to begin by sharing pieces by our absolute favourite composer Ludovico Einaudi. If you haven't heard of him or his music before - google him and thank me later! ;) he is a genius and a king in our house. Why am I sharing this here? Because this music does the same thing for me as looking through the photos I've taken at the end of the day, pouring over the smiles, the fun, the moments spent together and sorting them to share on this space - it nourishes me. It asks me to accept and let go of the squabbles, the stresses, the hurried and the not-so-great and to focus on what is beautiful and good in life - and there is so much.

This first piece is called "Nefelli" - a piece I played on the piano a million times whilst pregnant with Elena. We named her Nefelli while she was still snuggled up in there - and it became part of her name after birth.

Einaudi has been one of Ellie's first words it crops up so often round these parts.

I love that this music is as much a part of their childhood as mud pies and stories snuggled together on the sofa.

All 3 of them were rocked in the womb to Einaudi's songs, and all 3 of them were either birthed to his music, or held and nursed to it in their early days and almost every day since. I realise I haven't written about it before because it would be a bit like writing about breathing - sort of pointless because it's so obviously a part of our life, but the absence of it on this space just doesn't make sense to me anymore - it's what I hear when I write each post and that's because it's usually on in the background!

I hope everyone who stops by here will appreciate and enjoy this new offering, our family wouldn't be quite the same if Einaudi weren't a part of it! And whilst it might not always be Einaudi you hear on this space - who knows how music sharing here will evolve, he'll certainly always be there in the background - punctuating the space between every picture, like he does in real life - a snuggle together between garden fun - listening to Einaudi - a dance around the living room between one activity and the next - and there's his music is again - because that's what great music's like - an old friend you'll always have in your life, and be grateful for.

P.S - If you would prefer not to hear music while you're here, you can scroll to the bottom of the page and click stop - but then why would you?! :)

Thank you Sophia for this photo.

{this moment}

2011-07-01T11:06:00.001+01:00

{This moment}

A snippet from our week

An ordinary moment to remember forever, because the ordinary moments are often the best

inspired by Amanda Blake Soule

Nothing and something.

2011-06-27T13:27:00.004+01:00

If I had to think of what we've been "doing" lately, I'd say pretty much nothing. But the great thing about having little ones around all the time (and perhaps, sometimes the not-so-great thing) is that it's virtually impossible to literally do nothing. And so, inevitably, out of the nothing comes something.......

whether it's a spot of painting

or music making

or wooden model making

there is, when I think about it, always something going on around here.

It's been good for me to find out that this is true, whether I've planned "something" or not. These past few weeks have seen us embrace an expansive summer rhythm, endure time without dear and trusted homeschool companions who are off on a holiday adventure (and greatly missed!) and these past few months have seen me out of the house a lot more than ever- rehearsing and even socialising! getting to see a few theatre shows, which is such a treat. All of these changes mean my usual night-time planning - even the pretty useful 'what we'll eat for dinner tomorrow' kind of planning is non-existant as spare evening moments are spent learning lines, catching up on things that need doing around the house or just being still. Without this space to agonise over what we ought to be doing the next day I've been so suprised to find that out of the apparant nothingness and unknown - something great will always emerge if I relax and let it - having little ones around makes that almost a certainty.

And I've found that I love to watch the things they find to do when there's nothing else calling us to do it.

Nico can often be found listening to music again. He goes through phases of this. Along with the Blessingway cd from before Elena's birth, Eva Cassidy is his current choice - he's so happy to just lay and listen, picking out different instruments or singing along.......

and dancing

and trying with all his will to learn how to click his fingers...

but of course he's never on his own for long.......!

Talking of Blessingways........2 weeks ago I used these candles to represent altars for the four directions and the central altar for the divine at the ceremony I was planning.

Each of us took a candle to light when our beautiful friend began her birthing journey. I passed my candle every day after that so mindful that the next time I saw it alight, a new baby would be on his or her way

That time came last week. And he is here and he is perfect. I couldn't be feeling more joyful to see such a beautiful family begin.
And as I find myself reminded and totally amazed at just how small a new baby really is, I can't help but be nostalgic for how small my baby once was and in awe of how she has grown. I found her the other day in the garden alone - I could hear the outside tap running - a new development, Nico and Sophia are inside - who could have possibly turned it on?

It was her of course and she was on a serious mission - water the flowers. She was utterly focused - and jabbering away - "flowers, water, Nico, Fifi" (the sinks of salad leaves and carrots belong to them) and every few minutes she would stop and be still and silent to look for the bird which was singing a staccato song on the wall near by. I watched her for ages - I could have watched her all day. It was a rhythm all of her own - Water, jabber, pour - stop - bird! Water, jabber, pour - stop - bird! On- and on, totally absorbed and content - when is life better?

And as for her talking - well my goodness me, she doesn't stop! I took her to run an errand the other day, just the two of us, and I couldn't believe how many words she was saying. Pointing out everything from the man, the lady, the dog, the plane, to the shop, the car, the road and the lights. She found these cards, which I bought when Sophia was a baby and I thought you must buy these things in order to have intelligent children - Sophia rejected them totally uninterested (no doubt sensing my unattractive fervour for the idea that she really ought to be interested) but Elena just loves to look through them, talking to herself, ordering them in her own little way

"

And her favourites? "Duck" and anything with "water" in it - I play along for ages because hearing her say "water" in a very serious way is quite possibly the cutest thing in the world, ever.

One thing we have been doing lately is making a lot of waffles. Good ones. Made with spelt flour and without dairy - and or rather but? good. I got a waffle maker a while ago now when we went to a friend's for breakfast and, being the little domestic goddess that she is, she served us, not porridge or cornflakes as I had expected, but waffles and fresh fruit AND porridge! - my children have never seen breakfast in our house in the quite the same way since - and so, because it fulfills me on a level I can't quite explain or justify, a waffle maker joined our family. Meaning Daddy Days Off now normally begin with waffles and fresh fruit and a satisfied smile on my face.
However. Yesterday I looked at our blender and couldn't hide from the truth, that it has probably made more waffle mixtures than smoothies in the last few weeks - :O

Cue green beverages galore

Nico still won't touch anything from the blender (hmmm, except waffles - funny that) but he still loves a green juice - and the juicer hasn't been on a beverage holiday like the blender, so it's not all bad, I promise. And then there's the fact that Nico has decided he now likes raw peppers - so I'd say it's victory all round.

In other news - Sophia has lost another tooth! It was the usual mix of excitement and fear for her, and another attempt at overcoming my wobbly tooth squeemishness for me. I watched her as she grappled with the confusion - "But I don't want my teeth to fall out! why can't they just stay the way they are?" when it became very wobbly and then the "I'm so GLAD my tooth is finally out! I'm getting so much bigger" when it was all over, and I realised what a rite of passage this is for her. She knows she's growing and though she doesn't understand exactly why it has to happen, and though it's a frightening thing to think of before it does, because she can't stop it or control when the time will be - it's so worth it afterwards because she's taken a step forwards and it's exciting to be in a new place going someplace else new. So, I reckon it's a good thing she has a lot of teeth to get through - it's great practice for life - because life is so like that.

calling nanny and daddy to tell them - and Elena joining in the conversation because now noone can be on the phone without her getting to speak too

putting her tooth into the little fairy purse made for her when her first tooth came out

And lastly on the camera I found this picture that Sophia took, which really made me smile. It's proof of times when mummy really does do nothing, and a cute reminder of what my little ones did for me when I was ill last week. There was me on the sofa in my dressing gown - and them making me a table with flowers, a pencil, some paper, a get well soon note, some chamomile tea, a snack and a dinosaur - what more could you want to feel better?!

And I got to stay like that for a whole 8 minutes or so before they got a little over enthusiastic with bringing me things and I began to get buried in books, magazines, toys and lego pieces - ahhh bliss - here's to doing nothing! :)

{this moment}

2011-06-24T20:40:00.003+01:00

{This moment}
A snippet from our week
An ordinary moment to remember forever, because the ordinary moments are often the best

inspired by Amanda Blake Soule

Garden love

2011-06-21T09:20:00.004+01:00

"Oh rubbish Cumbrian weather - one sunny day in the garden, and all is forgiven."

I've fallen in love with this garden. The scale of it and the feel of it - is just so sweet - like something from a Shirley Hughes picture book.
I'm a wannabe gardener - I try, I'm learning - and I just love the whole process. But truth is, I don't have a clue what I'm doing - and I often forget to water things. Which makes it even more of a miracle round here when things actually grow. This year, though we started late (and luckily I have a green fingered friend who does know what he's doing to give me some hints) I'm just loving the process of tending our little space here and seeing things grow

view of the garden from the attic room window - I deliberately didn't show you the neighbours' sides - their gardens kind of rub in how messy ours is! and can you see the dodgy bird table ala Eddie's toolbox? - I blame not having the right tools rather than my shoddy workmanship for the fact it could fall down any second of course - but birds risk life and limb for sunflower seeds round here

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Introducing - project sandpit. Time in progress - 3 years. Finally completed - yesterday.

We've carted bags of sand through 3 house moves now and dug holes in three gardens too. Yesterday, finally, we filled one of them with sand. It felt victorious, symbollic and such a relief! Sun always makes me very productive in the garden, and armed with a children's shovel, some sawn wood and uncovered stone slabs, I finally finished the project that is older than Elena. Granted - it's totally unstable, there isn't enough sand for the impossibly big hole we dug, and the logs just lift in and out but -the looks on their faces when they could finally jump in and get sand between their toes told me they didn't care, at least not until the whole thing caves in on their sand castle village. But do you recognise the wood around the edge? From those friendly tree cutter men in our old village - a use for the wood at last!

**********************

We're chick sitting. I love having chickens in the garden - and it seems I'm not alone

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Sophia spends a lot of time these days snapping away on her camera, and ordering people and animals into attractive photographic compositions - "Stand here please - say potatoes". Yesterday was no exception

And hoorah for the garden swing - even little chick approves

This garden had an old swing left in it when we moved in - the first time we've ever had one in our garden - and it makes a happy place to be on a sunny day

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Grey skies and rain today. We've already spent 2 hours making different sun pictures for summer solstice celebrations later - now if only we could get a glimpse of the real thing..... :)

Keeping memories

2011-06-18T13:20:00.008+01:00

Sometimes I worry. About a lot of things - it's the way of a parent right? But my biggest worry? Without doubt - is that it's all going by too fast

Every single day they grow, they change and they learn more than I can even begin to get my head around.......I mean - how can she be this big?..........

And I know it's cliche to say you can't stop time - but oh, I wish sometimes I could - freeze that squidgy little hand stroking my cheek, bottle the smell of milky breath or the feel of whispy hair against my cheek - I wish I could. What if I forget the exact way Nico wraps his arms and legs around me when he wants a mummy hug? Or the nights spent reading and reading to Sophia, knowing that one day I will do this less when she begins to read to herself? What if I one day can't recall the many family meals spent in chaos and noise but so much love, always bringing ten million things to the table and always forgetting the water - then the brief peace as we hold hands to say a blessing, before we begin our meal - and then the obligatory fetching of a towel to mop up the spilt water. I don't want to forget.

The closest we come to an insurance policy for memories is taking photos and writing words - our best ways of freeze framing memories which we can then hope to have forever - I don't want to forget a second of it - and I have of course - already I find it hard to remember Sophia as a baby, and Nico too - but then I see a photo - and it all comes flooding back - memories stored away somewhere waiting to be unlocked..........thank goodness we made some keys

I've spent a lot of time taking photos this past week. George is on holiday from work and I've had chance to spend more time than usual lately freezing memories -there are so many to choose from

I take photos all the time - if only in my head. Seeing a moment and knowing it's utterly beautiful, wishing to capture it, catch it, hold it, make it last. I worry less when I have a camera with me - I know then at least that I can look back and remember the beauty we are so grateful to experience together - and whilst we don't often photograph the bits in between - the stressful car rides that get us to beautiful places, the hurried packing of necessary going out items, or the devestation of a forgotten must-have - those moments are worth remembering too - they get us to the photographs

I sat on a bench in dappled shade for 3 and a half hours on Tuesday and watched my children play together - part of me was painfully aware of how fast life is passing by - of how impossible it is to be present enough all the time with small children to really acknowledge the sheer wonder of their lives unfolding - the other part clicked photos - hundreds of them, and was grateful to know I have this space to pick and order my favourite few...........at least then when they've grown far from me I will remember this day and how I savoured it

This began to look like the work of a magician - "and know I will saw the baby in half........"

There's nothing like a new baby in the neighbourhood to bring the reality of time to mind - and after celebrating a beautiful Blessingway this weekend for a baby expected very soon around here, I thought about that too in my perfect little spot in the park. About those beautiful women I celebrated with, about our babies, some of whom we have or will honour before they are even born, and one in particular - my own little babe who is now walking and very much talking - I offer for example the perfected "Kay" whenever one offers Elena a little bit of advice:

"Elsa, careful with the plate" "kAY" she says, like she's said it forever,

or the quick and insanely cute little "Elo" she gives when she walks into the room.

Soon us 5 women will sit in a circle together again and there will be new babies in laps - what a gift we are given as mothers and parents to watch these lives unfold

we can watch - but we can't hold on, try as we might sometimes - and nor would we want to really, for we know growth is good and right and exciting and new chapters are always ahead

Here's to those chapters, and making possible plenty of memories of the ones that came before......

Life's good on a sunny park bench with a camera. xx

Greek food for a Greek daddy.....

2011-06-10T20:53:00.007+01:00

Just going through the photos from the past few days, and I was reminded of those rare days of sunshine round here, and one in particular where we felt like making something "sunshiney" for dinner and as requested by Nico and Sophia - "for daddy". Being of Greek Cypriot descent, we decided to make a dinner fit for a Greek daddy - Cypriot vegetables, a Greek salad and some home-made pita breads. It turned out pretty well - and eaten outside - it was every inch the taste of sunshine.........

I love it when I make something and I don't follow the recipe and it works out. Usually not following the recipe for me, means trying to make it healthier, or not having the right ingredients so risking it and using something not nearly the same - and when it comes to baking - it usually means using spelt flour no matter what flour is called for. The pita breads turned out brilliantly - even had proper pockets to fill and everything! Here's the recipe we used:

4 cups whole spelt flour
1 tbsp honey
2tsp dried yeast
300ml warm water

Dissolve the yeast in warm water and honey. Leave for about 10 minutes. Add flour until workable and knead for a few minutes. Grease bowl with olive oil and cover with a tea towel - leave to rise for about 1 1/2- 2 hours.
Preheat oven to 220c. We then divided the dough into little balls, rolled them out and placed them on a baking tray, which we put into the very hot oven for about 2 minutes. They should puff up and then they are ready.

We didn't have all the seasonal vegetables the recipe for cypriot vegetables called for - fennel would have been good, but we improvised with what we had and put:

chopped courgettes

already boiled potatoes chopped

a chopped red pepper

A couple of onions chopped

4 garlic cloves sliced

half a tin of chopped tomatoes (as we didn't have enough fresh)

75ml olive oil

fresh sage leaves

handful chopped fresh coriander and parsley

into a hot oven (220c) and baked them for 20 minutes, stirred and baked for a further 30 minutes.

Lastly we made a Greek salad:

4 tomatoes chopped

1 red onion sliced

1/2 cucumber chopped

lots of olives stoned

some cubed feta cheese

fresh coriander leaves

fresh parsley sprigs

Dressing:

5 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp wine vinegar

1 tbsp lemon juice

1 tsp maple syrup

1 tbsp chopped fresh coriander

pepper

We tossed everything together and I added rocket leaves because I love them!

we served it all with some quinoa and everyone was happy!

Aaah yes, Summer - meals eaten al fresco, sunshine all day, all those plentiful fruit and vegtetables, seeds growing in the garden - now if only someone could remind the weather that's what it's supposed to be like! How miserable has it been today?!

Being that we haven't been in this house long, I wasn't hopeful for the garden this year - but with a little help from a friend, we're catching up - and there seems to be quite a bit of seedling activity in the sun lounge right now, the courgette plants in our garden last year were amazing, and I'm hoping for the same this year. And Sophia was really pleased to plant some sweetcorn seeds - and they're doing well too - even with my less than regular watering habits! :)

So much to catch up on on this space! I think a massive load of photos is in order next..... :)

Today I've.........

2011-06-08T20:05:00.003+01:00

* Somehow managed to pull myself out of bed at 5.50am and tiptoe out of the house leaving behind 4 sleeping beauties to catch a 6.20am train with a dear friend and headed off to a conference on "The Nature of Play" in Leeds.

* Wondered how it can still be SO cold in June - then remembered this is Cumbria - and it was 6am.

* Spent time on the train planning and getting very excited for the Blessingway I'm leading for a beautiful friend this weekend.

* Remembered my own Blessingway and what an incredible experience it was, and marvelled at how wonderful and just how strong we Mamas truly are.

* Heard the words "design", "incentive" and "equipment" far too many times and wondered what on earth they have to do with play.

* Found myself at the conference feeling totally disappointed but not so suprised by the intentions, philosophies and discussions of those responsible for "protecting natural play opportunities" for our children (more on that another time), and been glad I don't rely on them to do just that for my own children.

* Remembered this walk up Hallin Fell last week to confirm that last relief.......

* Realised I am totally out of my comfort zone in big cities, or towns for that matter – like stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb uncomfortable - even the size of the shop doors unnerve me, and when it comes to figuring out train times and platforms – well, let’s just say it’s a good job I wasn’t alone.
* Felt so grateful for the beautiful place we live in and the nature we see all around us every single day.

* Come home to reunite with 4 very much awake Beauties – including Elena running and shouting “Mummy” a million times with the most delicious smile on her face, arms waving in the air and giving me a huge smack-on-the-lips kiss when I told her I’d missed her all day :)

* Wondered if it’s possible for Sophia to grow even more in just 12 hours – she seems to manage it.

* Enjoyed the chickpea and quinoa hotpot my lovely lot had created whilst I was gone.

* Relished the feeling of being out and coming back – that flood of love when you walk back in the door and the beautiful knowledge that tomorrow you get to stay home.

* Been really touched to receive welcome back comments from some lovely people on this space and wondered how and on what to re-start posting –

* Decided today was as good a place as any to start. ;)

Here's hoping your day was good, whatever you found yourself doing. xx

Back to blogging - again!

2011-06-06T12:04:00.003+01:00

2 months since I last posted??!! Time really does fly. So much has happened since my last post, there is so much to catch up on! For now - the main things - my blog has a new title and is back to being public again! Too many lovely people have emailed me over time and I have realised that I miss the random and fortunate connections which can be made through somebody accidentally chancing upon your blog - so that's the first thing.
Then there's all the things that change and happen every day here the little things - like Elena saying at least 3 new words every day, or becoming a fully fledged member of the pack with her own opinions on everything - or the massive things - like Sophia spending a day at school! or me following a lost passion and performing in a play - and rehearsing for the next one in July! There is so much to write about - and more than a million pictures to post too! I have so missed sharing on this space and really look forward to shaping it and sharing here all the many things, which fill up our school-free family life.
More to come!
Love
Amelia. xxx

pictures, pictures, pictures!

2011-04-06T10:43:00.007+01:00

For some reason, blogger won't let me reorganise the photos into a more sensible order after I've uploaded them, I would re-do it, but the postman has just been with some of the books we've ordered and I'm about to be pinned to the chair for about 4 hours of story reading - so I'll remember to be more organised when I upload the next lot! - so here they are in a big jumbled mess! Photos of the little ones in our new home......

(New hallway!)

(Give me the camera!)

(New bathroom - already messy)

(Doing the cooking - she could run this house if she had to)

(Hmm - ignore the well patched arm-chair :) )

(Getting unpacked in the library no less!)

( The message Sophia wanted to write in Daddy's birthday card.)

(clay fun)

(Sister cuddles)

(View from the doorstep)

(Delicious butternut squash and peanut soup, inspired by a lovely friend's birthday lunch)

Back to blogging!

2011-04-05T18:12:00.004+01:00

We have moved house! We are all refreshed and on a brand new page, and I'm missing putting it all together in one place to look back on. This blog is now for close family and friends who want to keep in touch and watch our little ones grow and see how our lives unfold without school. We are working on this blog together really, Sophia is interested to help choose photos and colours etc and that feels much better - this isn't my blog now, but our family blog - a family journal of our unschooling days. It's so nice to know that I now know everyone of you who is reading about this journey of ours! The next few posts and probably many more to come will be FULL of photos - to catch up with where we are since the house move and clear the camera for taking more - oh how I've missed organising the pictures - the little snapshots, some of which I don't even remember taking, but which forever frame a beautiful moment of ordinary magic in our days. It's good to be back! :)

Moving on....a last post.

2010-12-22T21:46:00.005Z

In January, we will begin moving homes. We've waited for this move for a long time. It has at times been stressful, painful and emotional living here in this village, and when I say we're "moving homes", what I really mean, is that we are "going home". Not "back to Kent", but to finally settle in with the beautiful and precious circle of friends we have grown here in Cumbria, and I simply can't wait to begin this next part of our journey.

When we move, I want to take with us, only the things, which serve our family for the better. The things we love, need and treasure. I want to build a home that is full of thought, care, warmth and love. Be they physical things, mental or emotional "luggage" or memories - we will let go of and leave behind in this village the negative, the hurtful and the unnecessary. We came here with great hopes and plans - some of them lost and some of them still held dear. We have grown in ways unmeasurable and unexpected and I am wiser now - even if it hurt a lot to get here.

This blog has been about my lessons as mummy. There are many. Everyday my eyes are opened wider and brighter to the things, which life and my children show me - and I'm finding the things which count are real, tangible and quite often right next to me - my children, my husband, my friends and family; the letters Sophia continues to shape from her own determination, the songs Nico plays me on his ukelele, the steps Ellie takes ever-more confidently.....

In this virtual world, there is a tangled and complicated web of connections and of impressions - many of them wonderful and inspirational, but just as many false and harmful. I have been boosted by the positive and burned by the negative - the ones who should know better.

I want to protect myself and my family from the latter, and focus on what is real and beautiful in our lives, and so the time is right to end this blog.

So far on this journey, I have learned to be wary of absolutes, rules and rulers, but instead to embrace the uncertainty - the tender vulnerability of life, and of each one of us........and I've been reminded time and time again thata every moment is precious and all we ever truly have, and I don't want to lose another moment to the glare of the computer screen. I want to be sure to greet the faces of my little ones totally and presently, rather than with one eye on blogger.......

It's time to move on.

I am grateful and inspired by the connections made through writing this blog, and I'm grateful to everyone who has shared our journey so far with genuine love and compassion.

I've always been honest in this space, and the truth is now, I am scared of "losing myself" to motherhood. Of getting lost somewhere between the five hundredth story and the five thousandth breastfeed. Of forgetting myself amidst the train tracks and the tipped out toys. This blog has been a way of expressing another side of me; a way for the creative, searching, "writer" side of me to escape, and I'll treasure finding new ways to keep doing just that. I'll be in touch on the Circle Round blog after Christmas.
In the mean time I'm going to surrender to stories, breastfeeds, train tracks and toy collecting - to making dinner, dens and last-minute Christmas gifts - to what is and what isn't - to life and to the ones I live it with. I'll miss this space of course, but know that when we let go of one thing we make room for new and unexpected joys to come forward - maybe I'll see you back in blog land one day.

I wish everyone who has read and shared here and wished us well a beautiful Christmas, and the hopes of a blessed 2011, taking with them the important and the magical and leaving behind the rest. We'll be joining you.

With love

Amelia. xx

One path....

2010-12-11T11:12:00.005Z

I very rarely have trouble getting to sleep. In fact, I am definitely one of those people, who after a few minutes of thought, head resting on a pillow, are out like a light.
Last night though, it was a lot longer than a few minutes. My mind was racing with thoughts, questions, troubles, even after an hour-long conversation on the phone with a wonderful friend about it all, my mind still couldn’t rest. What follows is an attempt to put what felt like hours of restlessness into some sort of coherent fashion – but I can’t promise it will be that! Once I’ve “got it out” maybe I can “let it go” so to speak.
Afterwards there are some pictures of my lovely little ones painting pictures of sunlight in keeping with our simple-seasonal craft-quest (come on ladies - share some of yours! :) ) – and with our celebration of light – because we’re a family who likes to celebrate light, whilst accepting, respecting and even embracing darkness – in fact, Nico in the end, took out his tin of paints and did just that – painted the darkness- we don’t fear it- but we have fun painting suns too.

Result of a sleepless night:
I often ask myself – no, berate myself and worry about whether or not I am on the “right path”. I know all too well that I am leader for a short time on this family journey and my goodness me, I want to take them down the best road. I read Claire’s beautiful post about death yesterday over on Border Stories and it was so timely and gratefully read, because I do often think along many of those thoughts (and wondered if I was the only one!) and I do sometimes fear – though I try not to dwell on it – if I was gone tomorrow – would I at least leave them heading in the right direction?

3 years ago, I moved my family 300 miles up the country because I felt we couldn’t be on the right path where we were – too many people around us on the wrong path – I thought. Too many people who weren’t doing what I thought they needed to, in order to live the kind of life I wanted to give my children. Too many kit-kats, arguments and TV programs. Too many trips to the supermarket, plastic bottles in the bin and inner truths left ignored. I had to take my family somewhere we could walk this journey of a natural, holistic life – a different journey I thought – a better one, I sometimes less-than-secretly decided. I was searching for freedom, love, acceptance and understanding.
I found all those things, but not in the places I was expecting to.

Every choice I make is often agonised over. I feed my children wheat, and I feel bad we strayed too far from “the path”. I envisage a day where we all eat popcorn and watch a family movie together and secretly wish we could right now, and I scold myself to “stay on the path!” I spend time on the computer blogging because it feeds my soul and then I worry that it shouldn’t fit in with our chosen path. I question and I worry, I change and I strive and then I worry some more.

I’ve spent a long time digging – trying to look deeper for a hidden inner-self – my truth, my dark, my everything. Driving myself and people around me mad with double questions, asking if I am honest – with others, with myself and allowing myself to remain in relationships, which abused that deep wish to always analyse things for the good of my family. It’s been interesting, at times exciting, always demanding and often tiring and distracting work. I’ve spent time shovelling when I could have been watching my children, loving my husband, loving myself. I’ve had arms and shoulders so aching, they’ve been too tired to hug and to hold.

I can’t claim to have gotten anywhere. Except that, maybe now I’m starting to see some little cracks of light down here in the dark, with my shovel in hand, and I know now, they aren’t coming from some radiant inner truth I’ve needed to spent years sweating, digging to find – they’re coming from the other side. That darkness I’ve been trying to get to the middle of has been a big black block in my own mind, which has prevented me at times, from living in this world, at peace with all the other people doing the same. And as I push through, I realise I come out in the same place, much the same person – fundamentally at least – still standing right next to all the other people walking this life’s journey – and many of them have never even picked up a shovel – some of them never will. That radiant inner truth was always there, but I didn't need to waste all that energy, distracting myself from it - digging for it - it's what Eckhart Tolle talks about perhaps when he questions the need for spiritual “programs” with several steps- or tireless personal-growth quests with heavy shovels always digging – you are right here. I think Jesus called it The Kingdom of Heaven within all of us; Buddhists call it the Buddha nature within each of us; Eckhart Tolle calls it The Power of Now: You can dig – and you will be right here. You can dig right through the other side, and you’ll have done a lot of ‘work’, acquired a lot of thought, theories, opinions and aches and pains – but you’ll still be right here – the only place we ever are – in this exquisitely, painfully, beautiful present moment. ALL of us belong and exist in that moment, whether we dig for a living - on the weekends – or not at all.
Those of us with blisters on our hands, hardened from all that ‘work’ might like to pretend that we are somehow separate from those who never seem to search, to question, to ‘work’, to consciously pick a path. “We’re on a different path all together”, we might claim – and I for one used to say just that.
I just “knew” in my naïve mind that once I found others who were walking the same path I wouldn’t feel isolated or alone any more and I could somehow protect my children from all the undesirable, uncomfortable behaviours and choices I knew went on along different map routes.

And yet here I am and I see it so differently now. The paths we walk – the lifestyle choices we make, the differences, the conflicts of choices – they are all constructs of our minds, and our minds often like to complicate what is simple and true – what is here right now.
There are no paths to choose. There aren’t lots of different paths heading in different directions attracting different calibre walkers. I’m not treading toward the glittering waterfall with heavenly views along with people who only walk to my beat in sensible shoes and waterproof jackets. I can’t opt out of life and of the one truth, which binds us because I reckon I’m heading some place different. We are, as Claire said – all headed to the same end, though we might not like to think of it that way. Yet sometimes we must, because it can remind us of the fragility of this life, of the futility of our mind constructs and conflicts – of the pointless task of navigating a specific path with only desirable fellow travellers.

Truth is – we all walk together.

Rubbing shoulders, tangling our shoelaces – this world is a crowded, eclectic place and ain’t none of us taking some seperate high road – except in our minds. Our words, actions, even thoughts, penetrate others in ways we can’t imagine, because we travel so close and we travel together. There is no “alone” on this planet – though I know it can feel that way in varying degrees, the higher of which I can’t ever wish to experience- but ultimately, there is no “alone”. There is just one life – one path – one journey – and a few billion people rocking it with different steps and different footwear.

There is much in this life, which saddens, disappoints and scares me. There are things I avoid, decide against and actively choose for my family. We all make decisions based on the knowledge we collect, the opinions we form and the gut feelings we have. Not everyone will make those same choices and once upon a time, I would have felt really cross with them, and decided they just weren’t choosing the “right” path to walk on this life. “Best avoided” I would think.
I used to be scared, (read snooty) when I saw people in town for example, doing things I wouldn’t dream of doing. Smoking whilst pregnant, smacking their children, putting them in nursery before their first birthday and a million other things I thought should never happen on my life path, with my life travellers

– truth is – “hello lady there with the crying toddler whom you’re raising your hand to” – turns out we’re travelling companions. Sure, I feel uncomfortable when I see the choices you make – heck, it only takes a carton of non-organic milk and I’m starting to bristle – but can you hear that? That’s the sound of our shoulders rubbing together, our feet beating time together on this march – I could ignore you, claim to be different – better even – or maybe I can just pretend I can’t see you from up here on my high road, it’s misty with the blaze of a righteous sun – yet

there you are, right next to me all along.

Sure, we can take solace and find hope in friends and loved ones who share our thoughts, our dreams; we can delight in friendships of common ground of shared values and choices. I do. But peace- true, total and everlasting peace can never happen until we can hold hands with each other – that’s everyone. Not just the ones who are like us, or at least trying to be- but everyone. No – not once they’ve done their bit of the ‘work’ - they can’t come back another time when they’re just a little bit more developed or changed– it’s right now, or not at all. Peace comes only when we accept and love what is here before us – and then lock fingers, take a deep breath and tread this earth together – left foot, right foot......

I want my children to rock out their own steps on this earth, to walk their way and to walk strong. I want them to know their rhythm, to trust in their own steps as they move through life, to know they can make it and they own their journey. There are things I hope they won’t do, things I hope they will do and many hopes and dreams in between. But I also want them to be able to hold hands with whomever they walk next to, and I know I can’t control who that will be. I want them to smile, to love and to fold their hands into the hands of many different people. I know peace only this way comes.
These are my lessons and they’re important ones. Heck – I’m somebody who, if I reduce it down to the nuts and bolts – thought my family back in Kent might be somehow not good enough for my children and our lifestyle because they ate copious amounts of chocolate and junk food and would never be interested in sustainable anything. Except love that is. They always loved me – they still do, and my children – they love them deeply and always. What a gift this life is when we discover we are walking all together – and you know what? If we choose to see it – along the way on this one path we all walk – we’re in damn good company.

Look to your right, look to your left and smile – we are close for all the days we have left – and we are here for such a short time – we can’t know for certain anything much and while we all fiddle with our maps and our compasses and plot the right journey attempting to go round the bad bits of scenery we’d rather we could ignore – we miss out on what is unavoidable – that there is only one life – one path – one journey. Sure you could say we all walk different ways, but in the end, they all head in one direction, and from far above all those paths, like all the rivers in the world, feed into the one sea of life. The myriad ideas, beliefs, ideals, hopes and concerns we hold – all dissolve in an instant when we leave this place – they are of a certain kind of use while we are here, and I don’t mean that we don’t all have things we can and should ‘work’ on – growth is important. Ideas, beliefs, ideals, hopes and concerns - they are important and I don’t dismiss them – in fact I build my life on many of them, but they are artificial constructions all the same – they do not last when we are gone. What do we leave behind? Do we leave behind the memory of our smile – our warm hand in the hand of somebody very different from us – or do we choose to walk alone in our minds and ignore the people standing right next to us?

Maybe that’s what I hope my children will most remember about me- “That mum of ours – she had some funny ways of walking – but she sure was grateful for all the company she had along the way.”

All of this is the heart of what I dearly hope Circle Round will be built on. If you haven’t yet – do come and check it out – there are open hands waiting.

{this moment}

2010-12-10T20:43:00.001Z

{this moment} - A Friday ritual (when i remember that is). A single photo - no words. A moment from our week I want to remember and keep in my heart.........

'Tis the season - to keep it simple

2010-12-09T10:47:00.006Z

I feel liberated. Reading some beautiful posts around blog land and talking with some wonderful women I reckon we ought to re-name this wintery season before us -- the season to keep it simple. I had great plans for it to be just that of course - but then I realised - "great plans" don't make for simple anything, and I've decided to let go of all the "ought-to-be" and "should-be"s that were leaving me so overwhelmed and be grateful for the one thing this season does do, which is remind me that life is all about putting one foot after the other - left foot, right foot - if I focus on that, I can let go of all the whirring activity and flurry of expectations around me, and just be happy with what we are doing - right now.

Left foot, right foot.

One of the things which I wrote about in the December snowball post, that overwhelms me the most about December is the sense of responsibility - the idea that I am responsible for the traditions, the memories my children will carry forth into adulthood and maybe their own parenting - no small beacon to carry! And I do want it to be full of magic and fun and love - but simply does it - left foot, right foot.

I know now there's no way I will finish making hand made presents for everyone I love - and I'm ok with that - left foot, right foot.

I know now that our tree may well have only hand made decorations on it - but there won't be many - and that's ok - I want to teach my children the value of the things we make with our own two hands and creative spirit, and value is often found in less- left foot, right foot.

I know that out "Christmas dinner" this year- (the first one I've ever made myself!) might not be a delicious feast of every kind of vegetable roasted till tender and sweet with, nut roasts, mince pies and delicious treats pouring out of the kitchen - it might even just be beans on toast if it ends up that way- but there'll be more time to play together, sing together, and that's a good thing - left foot, right foot.

I know that I want to celebrate the winter solstice for the first time, but I'm new at this game, and I just might not manage to get all the little traditions and rituals down by December 21st, but watching the sunrise and set together, and having a simple dinner with dear friends, will be magical all on its own - left foot, right foot.

If you're struggling on and only just remembering to put one foot after the other this season, I say join us and keep it simple -- truly simple. There was mention in the comment bit of the December snowball post about pooling celebration ideas (thank you Amanda!). Hearing how other people are celebrating together and marking what is important to them this season is very inspiring, so I thought if anyone has any ideas or blog posts they would like to link to or write about, then we could do it on this comment section - just remember - only simple, easy, and do-able crafts and ideas, things you can actually imagine doing succesfully with a 6 and a half year old who wants everything to be perfect, a 3 year old who likes everything to be messy and a toddler tugging at your jumper - or something similar! :) Things we can do without too much time or fuss, and all the while remembering what will get us through this season and every other - putting one foot in front of the other and loving what is in front of us right now.

I'll start things off shall I?! Here are some of the very simple things we've been up to so far this December - none of them on my "official to-do-list" I might add!

The other day we tried making snow candles. We melted some of our old candle bits in an old saucepan we keep for such things and took it outside. The idea is you make a little mold in the snow and pour in the wax. Here's what we did and how it turned out........

Which obviously, is pretty rubbish. BUT! as with most things - I've learnt from our mistakes - we should have only poured the wax into deep lumps of snow, and we should have waited for the wax to cool a lot more before pouring it. Having proper wicks rather than using bits of string might have helped too!

Before the real snow came we jumped the gun a bit and made some snowy pictures. These came about after I found some things in our larder which were, um..... ahem, a little bit more than a little bit past their best before date. In them was some really quite ancient desiccated coconut. "Looks like snow" Sophia said. Aha! I mixed it with a little bit of the dreaded glitter, because we very rarely do such daring things, and they had such fun making snowy pictures with it.....

And today we had our first attempt at some solstice-style crafts. We made Night cradling the sleeping sun in her arms. Although, I have to confess to being confused by the official titles for these beings - Nico was concerned that the sun baby had no father, then I wondered - "mother" night? giving birth to "father" sun? Isn't it "mother" earth? Or, is night the grandmother?! Anyone care to..... shed any light on this matter?! :)

Anyway, despite this craft necessitating me actually drawing something, which never ends well, it didn't turn out too bad I think....

This is Sophia's. She had the idea of her cradling a candle for the light of the sun - which I like......

And here's how our winter table is currently shaping up -

One thing I've read about, which I plan to try, is making a sacred cave out of stones outside on solstice eve, with figures such as the Earth Mother and Sun Child - again, titles correct?! then you light a candle in the cave after sunset. I was thinking of using a Mary and Jesus knitting pattern I have in different colours for the mother and child, but after the robin fiasco, I might try making them out of modelling beeswax! We'll also try our best to go and watch the sunrise on solstice morning. What will you be getting up to - other than putting one foot in front of the other of course?!

(End Note - I just went to check on little ones, as they have been unusually quiet. I found them, with the curtains drawn and the lamp on, listening to a magical children's meditation CD, I walked in as the CD said "breathe deeply" and there they are, all laying together on the sofa making massive breathing in sounds - oh, too cute!! I guess they aren't quite as afflicted by the seasonal stress as some of us! :-) )

A couple of things just quickly......

2010-12-08T21:26:00.003Z

The fire is roaring, all babies are sleeping, everything is peaceful and calm, and if it wasn't for the totally deformed "snow candles" on our nature table giving my game away, along with the all important notebook I write down all my most important jobs-to-do staring at me from the window ledge, I could almost think things were "perfect" ;-) (more on the snow candles another time - I think they could be beautiful if you avoid the mistakes we made!)

But I write this post not to moan more about my shortcomings - though I loved all of your comments showing appreciation for them - but to tell you quickly about what is warming my heart and toes other than the log fire right now - friendship. Friendship and connection, both old and new and with that here are two links to each.

Ok - so that's just a long winded way of saying "Hey everyone! look - how exciting! my beautiful and dear friend Gina is back to blogging: http://www.threejoyfulpixies.blogspot.com/ I have missed you so Gina! welcome back!
AND - I did a new post on Circle Round: http://www.circleroundmagazine.blogspot.com/ attempting to round everybody up!

And that rounds up this post! Goodnight. xx

The December snowball.

2010-12-07T14:26:00.010Z

December has hit me sideways like an enormous snowball, and I'm face down in the snow. The weight of expectation and responsibility as a mother never seems heavier for me than in this season - me? in charge and totally responsible for the childhood memories of these three precious babes? I feel unprepared and ill-equipped for the job - which is pretty much how I feel the rest of the year round, it's just that December is full of reminders of how other people are busy doing it well - the festive season that is, and I'm still struggling to get out of my pyjamas and get the right number of meals to the table each day. And so, the responsibility of it all hangs off me like a homemade, hand-painted clay tree decoration, and whilst it's a beautiful and precious thing to be bestowed with - my branches can get weary.
That said, December continues to gallop on, like an unstoppable force - or a train we're tied to, whether we like it or not - we're along for the ride, so best get ourselves together and sit comfortably - else it will drag us along by the anklesv- I have bruises all over and it's only December 7th.
Sure, we are doing things - but we're barely scratching the surface of the mountain of things I write on my annual December to-do list - and did I really decide to handmake all the tree decorations and the bulk of the presents? We do the present side of Christmas small round here - but even so I haven't finished making a single gift yet!
Then there's the new discoveries and ideas I come across -the things which sing to my heart and ask me to weave them into our family life - to make them our traditions - and this year it's the winter solstice. I'm a novice at all this, and what I've read is so beautiful, I want to have a wonderful solstice celebration and make it our main celebration in years to come - but I only found out about it a few weeks ago - don't I get a few dress rehearsals before the real thing?!
Oh right - I forgot, that's the thing about mothering -there are no dress rehearsals, only ever the real thing. Sometimes though, and never more so than in this old season-to-be-merry, I feel like a trainee for some top-notch job, whose been whisked from the classroom and dropped right into the thick of it - like a trainee pilot waking up in charge of a plane mid-flight. Heck - I wasn't even a trainee, just someone who thought about flying a plane, and now holds all the controls.
And so we navigate our way through another December - making as many mistakes and cock-ups as we do successes. Case in point - for the one wreath on the front door, which I made that looks farely decent, there are at least 10 things I've messed up - like the robin I knitted which looks like a tiny coconut with a red splodge in the middle.

But along with such concerns, December has it's upsides of course - like cosy afternoons spent in dressing gowns (not only me!)

and watching her try and blow out the candles -

Like making pans of popcorn "for stringing"

which never get strung-

like a feeling of total gratitude for the wood stove, and a desire never to leave the one room in the house it actually heats-

great imaginations for presents for little ones-

days spent watching the birds outside, and drawing them inside-

ambitions of home-made gifts offering a million chances to be creative-

and perhaps my first sewing success - the purse I made myself out of an old felt bag-

Messy kitchens, mostly because the living room is warmer, but also because I decided once we should make our own pasta - it was hard work and left a chaotic mess!-

but with this sauce - it was worth it-

leaving reminders for myself -

and cosying up with inspiration-

with scenes like this outside the window-

watching a certain someone take her first alone steps!! - yup- she's walking and there's now no stopping her!

Celebrating advent with an Advent Spiral at a dear and beautiful friend's house - it was magical and might be the biggest reason I stand back upright after the force of the giant December snowball-

Getting outside to take photographs under the blue sky, with snow crunching underfoot-

all the while knowing that there's a warm and cosy space waiting for me inside-

and admiring the wreath - our one December success - then remembering I'm in my dressing gown, it's the afternoon, and ducking when I hear a car -well, we can't be perfect!

Hope your December is going well so far. xx

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

2010-12-01T16:02:00.004Z

This was this morning:

And this was a couple of hours ago

It has literally snowed ALL day, and to say I have over done the "Oh, the weather outside is frightful" thing, would be an understatement. But it was George's day off - so our first snow day all together. Snow day pictures and seasonal celebration musings to come......in the mean time - ah - one more time won't hurt.......

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful (we should sing delightful here too really! :) )

And the fire is so delightful,

So since we've no place to go...

Let it snow, let it snow, LET IT SNOW!!" :)

The north wind doth blow.....

2010-12-01T15:55:00.003Z

and we shall have snow - and what will poor Robin do then, poor thing?

Well - he came to our front garden and we had fun watching him all day!

Snow pictures!!

2010-11-29T10:24:00.007Z

We left on the most beautiful morning-

to go to Keswick for Sophia's theatre group. And after finally getting some sledges for the first time, we headed for the place to be - just opposite the theatre-

Good fun was had by all!

No time for more words today - the hill in our village calls for more sledging - thank goodness for wood stoves is all I can say! More snow fun to come I'm sure! Hope you're enjoying some snow wherever you are. xx

The treasure of toast

2010-11-24T16:31:00.006Z

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." Thornton Wilder.

I hope I will always be conscious of the treasures in my life. Lately Sophia, Nico and I have been enjoying toast and jam by the fire while Elena takes her afternoon nap. We snuggle, read Brambly Hedge stories and talk of their excitement about Winter, snow and Christmas Time.

Life is always good when you're eating toast by the fire. :)

When is a trip to the park........

2010-11-24T11:22:00.006Z

more than just a trip to the park? When there's "workmen"to be seen of course:

It was cold, I didn't think we'd last more than 15 minutes or so outside - but he had different ideas......

He's totally obsessed with all things workmen, tractor or toolbox, and with showers busting, wood deliveries arriving and park tree cutting shenanigans, the universe seems to be giving him more than enough opportunities to be nourished with workmen watching

We were all pretty engrossed actually- even me - they were dangling from the tree!

And I love that with this boy of mine willing to risk frostbite for the sake of watching them do almost the whole job - I get to hang around and talk to these nice tree men, and casually mention about wooden blocks and projects that need making for Christmas, and be amazed when they then offer to deliver me some on their way home!

oh the possibilities! If only the knitting bag wasn't bulging, the sewing box overflowing and the list of things I really want to make wasn't longer than any stretch of time I've ever had to make anything - ever. Everything seems to be that way at the moment - just bursting with doing and overflowing with ideas and projects - including a massive load of photos and things I want to share on this space - and will soon I hope - so multiple posts might be coming up! Now, if only I could go to the park and source some spare time..........

Weekend adventures.

2010-11-22T15:29:00.008Z

On Saturday, thanks to Sophia's birthday gift from a wonderful friend, she went with her daddy to Stratford-upon-Avon, and to the Courtyard Theatre for their showing of Matilda The Musical. The pictures on this post are George's and Sophia's, and I was so excited to see them when they got back, to see what they'd been up to. It's the first time Sophia's ever gone away like that without me, and she had such fun with her daddy - dinner at an Italian Restaurant, breakfast at the YHA (they stayed in the family room), and a trip to a butterfly farm - lucky them!

Bunk Beds!! a dream come true!

I think it was a massive first for Sophia to see this show. Being as she's never had experience with proper "drama" before, and I usually skip or re-write bits of the books that are less that idyllic shall we say - it was an un-mummy censored and so really eye-opening experience for her in lots of ways. It wasn't all easy for her to watch, but mostly she was totally enchanted by the singing, the dancing, magical Matilda, and George said she was literally on the edge of her seat, with her eyes glued to the stage for the whole 3 hours - the stillest and quietest he's ever seen her apart from when she's asleep!

Thankyou for this gift dear friend - you know who you are! They had such a wonderful time :)

And, while daddy and Sophia were away, Mummy, Nico and Ellie were left at home, feeling a little strange, but I got quite a lot of crafting doing and thinking done - photos to come! And it was great to hear Sophia and Nico exhange stories of their weekend with each other when they were reunited - so sweet! :)

concentration

2010-11-21T16:08:00.005Z

I love it when she spies something that takes her interest - she becomes totally transfixed

The camera has batteries again! LOTS of photos to come! :)

"Do as you're told!" or- a moment of enlightenment in Booths

2010-11-15T15:35:00.004Z

This past week or so, I've needed new batteries in my camera, and money is SO tight I haven’t been able to buy any – it’s a case of – food, or batteries – food wins every time! Anyway, the point of this, is to say, I’ve been a bit lost really, not being able to take photos – and there are no new ones on this post today- just a decision to buy batteries tomorrow!

It doesn’t really matter though, because I have a bit of a story to share today – a true one. And I'll warn you in advance, it's a long post - so if you haven't got time to kick back with a cup of chamomile and relax for a while - come back later, or, if that never happens like here, push onward and forgive me for going on so long! :) I reckon most stories, which start, “We were running late, and in a supermarket” don’t end well, but this one has a happy ending of sorts – so here goes:

We were running late – and in Booths. It was Saturday, the morning of Sophia’s youth theatre group, and we had about 15 minutes to finish finding avocados, apples and toilet roll in a supermarket I’m not familiar with, get back in the car and to the theatre – do-able, but rushed. We found the avocados and apples – one organic, the other not, but you can’t win ‘em all – and headed to the general direction of non-foods. That’s when it happened. Sophia - who has recently taken a liking to anything, which smells “nice” spotted the latest object of her desires. Being as she is, the daughter of a mother who only wears deodorant for a treat, or in situations of extreme social closeness, and who owns not one bottle of perfume, she has come to consider supermarkets as prime opportunities for discovering – things that smell nice. She has, over time, begged and pleaded for everything from washing powder and fabric conditioner, to scented loo rolls and hair de-tangler, making mine, perhaps the strangest of supermarket Pester Power situations. Today, the little magpie homes in on a bright red bottle of children’s shampoo – it’s strawberry scented, and clearly the best thing she’s smelt – ever. It also has a list of ingredients most of which, not only can I not pronounce – I can’t even recognise as words. I figure, if I don’t see the word Strawberry – fullstop, in the ingredients – she ain’t having it – and surprise, surprise, the strawberry this girl’s smelling, wasn’t picked from a patch.
11 minutes left, I spy the toilet rolls just a few metres to the left, and I quietly begin to make my way, but not before:

“MUUUUUMM!! I REAAALLY WANT TO BUY THIS SHAMPOO! Please – I never get to wash my hair with anything that smells NICE and this smells REALLY NICE and I promise, that even if it’s got lots of chemicals in it, once I’ve used this one bottle, I’ll never buy it again, and I won’t use it when Ellie’s in the bath, I won’t even get in the bath, and I’ll keep my eyes and mouth closed and…”

(Seriously – this girl’s got it covered.) She’s jabbering on, causing quite the scene – (it seems that whilst it was once etiquette to be quiet in the library, all the people who were brought up with that instilled in them have gotten fed up with noisy kids-of-this-day-and-age in libraries and now spend their Saturday mornings shopping in Booths instead.) and I’m processing the time, the logistics of the next 20 minutes, and then I do the only thing possible in the moment –I take a deep breath and reach for my NVC hat –

“You really like things which smell nice at the moment don’t you?”

“YEESSSSS!! And this smells REALLY nice!”

“Is it really important to you to have things that smell nice, and to feel in charge of choosing them yourself?”

“YESSS!! And I feel excited and I feel happy and really good when we buy this and all that feel-word stuff mummy so PLEASE say yes!”

This goes on, and I just get down to mentioning those darn chemicals when my focus is faltered somewhat by a woman casually pointing out to me that Nico (who obviously made it there before me), has just dismantled the display of half price nouvelle toilet rolls. Trying not to be too overjoyed by what is a clear bargain on our current shoestring budget (18 rolls of recycled toilet paper for £4 ??!! ) I leave Sophia hugging the red bottle of chemical cocktail and gather up a less-than-pleased Nico. Making it back to the trolly, trying to comfort a now fussing Ellie, I prepare myself for further negotiations. But, sensing perhaps, my bottom line, Sophia launches into full-scale defense mode – and decides to yell “No yucky Mummy! Just buy it” whenever I open my mouth. It’s at this point, when Booths seems like the hottest supermarket, with the biggest echo I’ve ever heard, that a woman comes striding over and declares

“Do you want me to help – sometimes they listen to other people more than their mums”

and heads over to an indignant Sophia. Now – this clearly wasn’t a question, because the woman doesn’t even pause long enough to hear my “Oh no! It’s ok I was just going to……..” It bounces off her shoulders and falls to the ground.
Then – she does no more than to march on over, and with a wag of her finger, say

“Go on! Do as you’re told – your mummy’s waiting.”

Sophia – who is more suspicious than upset at this point, looks at the finger, the woman and me and says

“No!”

The woman, who may never have heard the word before, raises her eyebrows and gives it another shot with a less than convinced tone this time

“Do as you’re told.”

Somehow this seems like more of a question now than what she said to me! I finish grappling with Nico, who I’d been holding in order to save the toothpastes from being launched, decide toothpastes no longer matter, and say, much louder this time

“It’s fine! Thank you. We’re just talking about it.”

I give Sophia a big hug, and settle down on the floor with her. I empathise and I love, I connect and I hug, I feel a moment of relief that she actually said “No!” to that woman’s awful demand and I do all of this with the biggest crowd that has been seen this side of non-foods, perhaps ever, watching and listening to my every word (it can’t take 10 people that long to choose handsoap). We talk about the chemicals, my concerns, my love for her and her body. We talk about the cost (NOT a bargain unlike the toilet rolls currently being counted out of the wrapper and into the trolley by Nico – “8, 9, 10, 11” – ooh, I didn’t know he could count past 10 – but he’ll never make it to the end with that bumper pack of bargain goodness!) I read her – somehow - the ingredients and point out that one of them I think they actually put in car fuel, and we talk about her needs for choice, and fun, nice smells and things that are just for her. We decide, after not too much time, all things considered, that we’ll look together in the health food shop later for something, which smells nice because it actually has things which smell nice in it, and I concede that the money saved from the toilet rolls, will indeed go on even more shockingly priced, organic shampoo. She puts the offending bottle back on the shelf and I note shock, admiration and even a bit of respect on the faces of our audience (the shock is on mine, but I hide it well). We manage all of this in less than 5 minutes, and only get hit by toothpaste from Nico’s direction twice.

As I’m gathering the debris of the recent happenings off the floor, all 3 little terrors now contained in the trolly, I start to actually have space to feel things toward the Woman Who Interfered. “How dare she!” I start to say to myself, and I feel myself bristle, until I remember NVC and connection and all lovely things which stop me from wanting to throw toothpaste myself. Then she comes back and says simply:

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I was just trying to help. I had 4 and I know how hard it can be. I was listening over there, and I’d never have sat and talked to them like that – good on you.”

She walks off. I head to the checkout and pay for our three items, though it takes me a while to forage for the toilet roll wrapper and barcode under 18 toilet rolls and three sets of legs, and even longer to get all of them into the car. But we make it to theatre - 3 minutes late, which is 2 minutes better than usual.

This is what happened to us on Saturday, and I’m still gathering together my thoughts on it all. The whole thing has gone around and around in my head, and it’s been great to notice how magical some of the concepts of NVC are when I apply them to this situation. I’ve managed to empathise with the woman, with myself and to get some perspective on it all. I’ve noted a lot of things, which surprise or worry me, mostly in my own reactions and thought processes.

But what stands out the most for me is that in that moment, I was so convinced, as I often am, that NVC was the “right” way to deal with the situation, that I might have lost the opportunity to connect with another human being – who was trying to help me out. I didn’t agree with what she said or did, but I am grateful for what she was trying to do. It’s also in me strongly of course, to protect Sophia, and I’ve spoken to her a lot since about how she felt when the woman said and did that, and what we think she was trying to do by speaking like that.

I know I’ve written a lot lately about “right”, “wrong” and “judgement” here and I’m in danger of overdoing it – but bare with me, because if this blog’s about anything, it’s about the lessons I’m learning – and this is a big one. In fact, I’ve written about it so much, I’m almost tired of doing the little “ “ marks around right and wrong – so from now on, see them where you don’t ;)

I’ve gotten to think about badges. The imaginary ones, we all wear that tell our "natural" parenting story. We’ve all got at least one – because we get one just for being parents.
I used to wear my parenting badges as though they WERE me – I’ll take that badge for breastfeeding, and the other one for breastfeeding past 6 months, ooh, and I’ll take the big gold shiny one, for breastfeeding till they were ready to stop. I’ll have the one for co-sleeping, baby-led weaning, organic eating, white flour hating, and, can I get the one for homeschooling?

I pinned them all on with pride and marched my way of righteousness. I WAS my choices – and if anyone disagreed with me, I was threatened, scared and judgemental of them in return. And, if I’m honest, (and I like to think I am – though I have no badge to prove it ;-) )I would sometimes look at the badges of others and with an upturned nose and a puffed out chest, spit-shine the ones I noticed I had that they didn’t –

In my discovering of late of who I am, I’ve taken those badges off. I’ve realised that what I am is a woman, with children whom I love, trying my best to parent them in a way that feels “right to me”. I believe most of us are exactly that. And yet, our homes will all look different, sound different, feel different. We will all have different badges in our collection – representing our different choices, different beliefs and different ideas. It should be that way. It’s what makes life beautiful, alive and exciting – difference.

That woman in Booths made a choice I would never have made, and in the past I would have judged her for it. She would have been wrong and horrid in my eyes then. And yet somehow, and I thank NVC for this, I noticed that the whole story of her wrong-doing against me and my child, was just that, a story, and that in the moment, she was, as we all are, doing her best. She had her own interpretation of needs she was trying to meet, her own story she was responding to - perhaps she remembered a particular moment in a supermarket many years ago, when she and her children were younger, when she was tired, overwhelmed and running late, and she tried to do for me what she would have loved somebody to do for her – make her children do as she said. I wish for that too sometimes – that they would just listen and do what I say, because it’s easier, quicker and less of a scene in Booths.

I’ve taken off my badges now, they’re in that drawer we all have (right?!) full of crap and things we either don’t know where else to put, or that are one step away from the bin. I prefer now to wear what I wore in the supermarket last Saturday – nothing but myself, just walking about with my kids, talking, connecting and trying my best. No proof of success at any natural parenting feat, and no need to look for the badges of others. Sometimes we make a scene, sometimes it doesn’t work out, sometimes I get cross, angry and wish for them to do as I say. Sometimes connections are made, shampoo bottles are returned to the shelves, and lessons are learned together. Sometimes I feel resentment toward people in supermarkets who try to help in their own ways, and sometimes I feel gratitude and love for them – and I’ve come to know that there’s beauty in the differences inside of each of us too. How boring it would be to be one thing and one thing only.

This week I had a lunch with a large number of the amazing women from the NVC circle I’ve been going to. We’re all full up with the ideas of NVC. We’re all trying our best. At different points, I noticed each of us, faltering over what to say, almost scared to get it “wrong” – both for our children and in front of other people – and I wanted to jump up and down and shout – “Come on ladies! Let’s lighten up! Look at us – 5 amazing women, who love their children and are trying SO hard – what could be more right than that?!” It helped me realise that even amazing tools like NVC can be traps if we cling to the rules as safety nets and forget to make it our own with our children. I’m realising we’re not truly alive if we’re checking in a book, or with a professional or mentor for the right way, before we live. I wish so much to live and be alive with my children. I’ve been so scared so often of doing the wrong thing, of damaging them, of not doing it absolutely perfectly – how much of them have I have missed out on along the way whilst checking for the answers? Ironic isn’t it?

I reckon, (and I could be wrong :) ) that what stands a chance of damaging our children most – more than breaking any of the rules out there we might subscribe to, or even respect – and there are many “rules” or opinions and beliefs that I do respect, is getting caught up in guilt or shame – is forgetting to be alive as we are right now with our children – and to love every minute of it.

All this from a trip to Booths? Maybe I should go shopping more often. ;)

As I gather together more ideas and thoughts for Circle Round, I realise what an amazing chance this might be. When we take off our badges and stop walking around – chests pushed out, badges shining, we have a chance to connect with each other – as we are. When we stop polishing the surface of the labels we wear and stop checking who’s done or does what compared to some one else, we are left with each other. Just women, men, parents - people – beautiful, alive, different people. A circle full of people, free and alive, is a powerful thing. I've noticed a few lovely bloggers out there have linked to the Circle Round blog on their blogs - thank you. If you haven't yet - do come and check it out.

Changing signs (and rooms)

2010-11-09T10:42:00.006Z

It started like this:

I came up the stairs to find Sophia had thrown everything she no longer "needed" out of what was now "her" room. Maybe she chose that room because it's the only one with the storage heater on, and maybe she decided to take such drastic action because she knew with all that stuff everywhere, I'd have to do something - but who knows!

And so now she has - a room of her own

And like dominoes that have just been tapped, the knock-on-effect of one room being sorted means that the stuff has to go somewhere and so tap-tap-tap, room-by-room, we've had a change around - again

Nico has his own room too now, with the play kitchen in

the "dining room" hasn't been a "dining room" for quite a while, and it's changed again - more space, less STUFF - which is true generally everywhere - I like it

And one of my favourite changes has been moving the table, which has been hidden in the "dining room" (must start calling it something else!) under piles of paper and piano books - and which actually has been wanting to be in our "school room" (ok, really must spend some time on appropriately naming rooms in this house!) - day room? for a while - it's the right size for all 3 of them to sit around and draw at, though mostly two of them sit around it and moan at Ellie for sitting on it - but it's big enough for that too

having it in the middle really changes the focus of the room and I like it, they've been drawing a lot more -

and one night, after they were all in bed, I sat here and decided - tables are good

And signs are good too. I have lots of signs dotted around the house, which I've written about before. And everynow and then, they need changing too. I've been reading the First Grade Waldorf book by Melisa Nielson, and she inspired me to have these words in our - day room - they're for me really - they remind me of so much, they remind me of what I want our days, "homeschool" and family life to be about

But by far my favourite is this next one. There are lots of worries in the lives of the adults around here - boring, adult worries, like money, jobs and houses, and one night when I was thinking of it all, I had a bit of a "moment". Watching the candle flicker - (which isn't just a romantic bit of symbolism, it's just what you do in the evenings when the kids are asleep, you don't have a TV and your husband's still at work ;) ) and I knew I had to make this sign and put it at the center of the room we spend most of our time in, and I'm so glad I did....

Once upon a time, before I discovered "spirituality" or whatever else you want to label it, I'd have been afraid of this word - "blessed" - same with "God" and "Pray" - but now I use them outside of "Religion" as you might think of it in an organised sense - but anyway, too much explanation has caused me to digress - the point is simply -

we are blessed

It's hard to see these words all the time and not be filled with gratitude. They are suddenly in my mind all the time, the one thing I always want to remember, no matter what -

we are blessed

A few days ago they went through my CDs again - I won't share with you some of the more embarrasing finds, but we did spend a good hour dancing around to the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack - which, being the one I did decide to share with you, should give some further indication of how embarrasing the other ones are ;) But I can't deny this one - I was more than mildly obsessed with the film and music when I was a teenager - it would be like denying a part of myself :)

Besides, it's so much fun to dance to....

we are blessed

and even in the mess that ensued for several days after the first domino was knocked and all the rooms were in a state of crashing down chaos, it was clear

we are blessed

and even more so as I watched this boy "busking" in the hall way

and snuggled mine and Ellie's toes in our new, warm slippers - thankyou Anna! :)

and marveled at this new space I now have thanks to the Great Room Move Around

I've spent a couple of nights in here - but don't be fooled, I've been joined by Elena and Sophia - and both of them fell out at least once each, and I didn't sleep at all - but, it's great in the evenings for lighting candles and reading. And the result of this great quest for Their own Rooms? The mattresses we used to sleep on are now, after enjoying travels seperately to every room upstairs - including the bathroom - reunited - but in Nico's room - and that's where we continue to sleep - all together.

I was maybe a little hopeful that this might have been the beginning of Sophia sleeping in her own room, but at least now she has her very own space, something she's needed for a while, and she sometimes starts the night in there - which is, well - a start

and sleeping bundled together on the floor, or seperately in well-tended private spaces -

we are blessed

I'll finish with this photo our recent guest took of us on halloween (thanks Wanda!). We were "researching" baboons after several requests to see what they look like and discovering we have - suprisingly, no books on the subject in the house. It's the first time I've searched for something on the internet with them - and it was fun, I just wish it had been for something other than "baboon bottoms" and am grateful for the kids filter on google search ;)

we are blessed

xxx

Simple things

2010-11-06T12:26:00.004Z

Sophia is 6 years old and can't yet read or write except the letters in her name, and I'm not "teaching" her. Nicholas is 3 and a half and hasn't spent a single day away from me, his dad or a close, beloved friend or family member and probably never will. These facts never occur to me really, except when I realise how strange this might seem to someone looking in at our family. When others question what we're doing by keeping our children at home - by 'unschooling', I find it difficult to explain, to reassure them; I struggle to find the impressive words that tell them how knowledgable I am about the choices we're making - because mostly, I don't make those choices or live this way based on knowledge - just on a feeling - a feeling about a few simple things.........

Simple things, like how good it feels to make sock puppets whenever we feel like it

Simple things like laughter, and how theirs shows me we're doing ok - though I know that isn't quite as recognised as a Key Stage test, and sometimes that does worry me

Simple things like baking cookies because they feel like it, taking baths at midday, reading stories for hours on end, baking bread and eating it with them by my side from start to finish, crying, arguing, squabbling, smiling and dancing all in an afternoon........these are the things that show me we're headed where we're meant to be - and I know that just doesn't make sense for some people - and that's ok. I know it can be strange for people to see sometimes, some of the things that make sense in our family - like when Sophia hits Nico and doesn't get sent to her room, when a six year old girl cries like mad because she doesn't want her mummy to leave her for an afternoon, when Nico spends more time considering which ladder he'll buy when he's older than "learning his colours", when people find out that neither of them know the alphabet and that isn't an issue here - but, for me, as I feel my way through, it feels ok.

Just like when they're one - and you trust their doing all they need to, to grow, learn and develop just as they should

Just like when they start really looking at books for the first time and they spend all their time thumbing through the pages, pointing at pictures and laughing, and you trust they'll do this from now on, because life, like books is full of so much to discover and they want to know about it

Simple things like walks to the park, crunching leaves underfoot; afternoons at the library finding out about monkeys and baboons - (Sophia and Nico's latest found interest, and yes - it was the baboons' bottoms which they wanted to know most about); mornings spent pulling out all the recipe books and deciding together who will make what; moments of comforting Sophia's frustration because she can't knit/read/write/sew/skip rope/ butter bread the way she wants to yet, and knowing that her perfectionism will be a blessing in the future; 5pms spent marvelling at how dark it is and staring at the stars -

I know it's not a curriculum, or a common way of measuring "education" - I know it isn't pre-planned or organised or impressive on paper, but I'm sure all those simple things - those little things, add up in the end to one big, important thing, one big vital thing which I so want to give to my children - because in the end, simple things are great, aren't they?

{this moment}

2010-11-05T21:41:00.001Z

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words. A moment from our week I want to remember and keep in my heart.........

I am in love

2010-10-27T21:17:00.008+01:00

Totally and utterly, insanely - somebody-pinch-me-this-can't-be-real in love, with Autumn.

It wasn't love at first sight or anything, in fact the first time I remember meeting I don't remember being all that interested - it didn't impress me much. But now? - well - it doesn't seem to matter the long and glorious summer days spent paddling toes and baring arms, not a goose-pimple in sight, or the delightful sight of field upon field of sunshine yellow, spring daffodils nodding their heads in a gentle breeze - not even the early morning discovery of the thickest, whitest blanket of glistening winter snow, just begging for the crunch-crunch of stomping feet, can lure me away - it's Autumn that knocks me head over heals.
I mean, have you seen the colours out there?

And so I find myself, walking around all loved up and dreamy - telling everybody who's got a minute all about my infatuation - what's that? you've got a minute? Oh well let's not waste it!

Where do I start?! Well - I have to tell you about the trips to the park - and greeting that tree almost as soon as we leave our front gate - and watching these two be silly-

and Sophia who can now ride on her "even bigger" big girl's bike...

and Nico who loves to ride his sister's big-for-him bike

(and the re-emergence of this snow-suit - as I try not to let my eyes water noticing the sleeves are just a little bit too short this year - tangible proof as though any was needed, that he is indeed getting to be "a big boy" as he would like everyone to know)

and there's Ellie always looking at what's going on- taking it all in

Then there's the Pumpkin Soup............

The best you ever tasted.......

(and first she ever tasted.......)

Made by the children who drew on the shapes and got messy hands; the daddy who scooped out the pulp and the flesh, and the mummy who carved them.....

And there's also Sophia needing a Halloween costume for her theatre group last week, and being happy with a (fairly shoddy!)" broomstick" we made from sticks we collected on a walk, an old top found in our fabric stash, her hair plaited - like snakes? - oh and every "witch's" must have accessory of course - her baby

There was this beautifully thoughtful parcel from wonderful friends......

(Thank you Gina!! :) )

and the way, before the fire is lit - the only warm place in the house is the bedroom, where I often find these two - playing with their story-sacks from the library....

There's been having my mum, sister and gorgeous nephew to stay - and celebrating Nanny's birthday with her......

(Happy Birthday Mum - so glad you came xxx)

and the fact that "Soup!" is actually a reasonable answer to the question "what's for dinner?" something I plan to exploit to the full......

(Thank you Earth Mama for the lentil soup recipe - delicious!)

And there's the season table - which never looks quite as amazing to me any other time

Yes - I think it's safe to say it's love.

Has it been a minute yet? Ok - but just one more thing. This week, I've also been loving reading the lovely emails and comments from some of you wonderful women after reading about Circle Round . I'm really excited to share more with you over on that space soon - I think it could be something really special taking shape here. So, please keep spreading the news!!

We have another visitor joining us on Friday - a close friend of mine from America, so we'll be off showing the sights of Cumbria again! Then, I'm being begged to move bedrooms around, since apparently the 3rd and 4th eldest people in the house - want their own room! Hmm - I'll let you know how that goes then! :) xxx

Let's make a circle........

2010-10-24T13:02:00.003+01:00

A circle like the sun
Let’s make a circle
That includes everyone.

I'm so happy to post this today!- especially since that fandangled new button you see to the right took me hours to figure out! :)

But let's get to it - I’d like to share with you this really exciting idea I’ve got, because I’m hoping you’ll become a big part of it. It isn’t actually a finished idea; it can’t be really, because I don’t know yet where it’ll lead until I’ve shared it with you. But it’s fuelled by a bit of a vision I’ve got of creating a parent’s circle. Writing this blog, and reading the blogs of some of the wonderful women and families out there, has been such an inspiring and strengthening experience for me, as a woman and as a mother. What I’d really love to do is expand on it; to bring together all the greatness of connecting, supporting and sharing that so many of us do through blogs and online forums, and melt it into a community – a community magazine, called Circle Round.
When we read the word “magazine”, I know we might immediately think of so many structures and rules that go along with that form, but I’m hoping Circle Round will go beyond the confines of all of that.

I’d like it to be very different from anything else we can buy or subscribe to. For a start, we wouldn’t need any submission guidelines, and there would be no ethos or sets of rules to follow, no experts, hierarchy, rights or wrongs – instead we’ll create a wide open space – a circle for us to join and share anything we wish – a place to open hearts, eyes and minds; a place to write and read about family life and everything that goes along with it. There’s a quote, which embodies this for me:
“Beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Let’s hold our circle in that field. I’d love it to be a space that says, “Nobody’s an expert here, but we’re all important and we all have something really important to say”.
Almost like a big co-blog.

If there’s something we feel we’d like to share with the circle, it doesn’t have to be an “article” in the traditional sense – because Circle Round is about breaking free from the expected form of the traditional magazine, or the expected of any kind. We can share anything we feel inspired to write or offer, and that will be wonderful.
A big hope of mine is that we might be able to get to the heart – of life, parenting and the connections we can make as parents – such as the connections with our children, each other, ourselves and our earth.
I think Circle Round’s heart will be about uniting all of us- not through a set of beliefs, or with a goal in mind of educating or changing, but through the one powerful thing we all have in common – which is the love we have for our children. I’ve written about that space before on my blog, because I believe that from that space there’s so much to share and celebrate – so much that can inspire, encourage and support others.
I could tell you what might be in it – everything from articles, stories, recipes, crafts, questions, answers and letters to photos, art work, poems and songs, but then I can’t really tell you for sure because it depends on what we feel like sharing. Mostly though it’ll be full of each of us and the light we hold inside – the things we’ve learnt, things we’ve discovered and things we hope for – all written and read by the same people, without judgement. From this openness, we can create a community space where we can connect with others and share honestly and freely. I can’t even tell you yet if the issues will be in paper or e-form, but I would dearly love us all to have something we can hold in our hands and read away from the computer if we wish.

So, I’m looking for people to join me in this big conversation. I’d love to hear from people who wish to share, celebrate and write about their lives with their children and also I’d love to hear ideas and hopes people might have regarding what they’d like to read in Circle Round, so that we can list them for other people who might like to respond.

At the moment, I’m mostly just excited to see what we get back! To see how the idea will be received and responded to, and how big the circle will grow. If you know anyone else who you think might like to be a part of this, please let them know about it, and if you have a blog, and you feel inspired, please let other people know and maybe grab the button and add it too.

My heart tells me, the first issue should be Spring 2011 – the perfect time for a new beginning. So without further ado – let’s open this circle!
To join the circle: circleround@hotmail.co.uk

{this moment}

2010-10-22T17:59:00.003+01:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words. A moment from our week I want to remember and keep in my heart.........

NVC and lots of words

2010-10-17T16:00:00.008+01:00

For the past few weeks, on a Tuesday night, I've been seeking sanctuary. In the company of a handful of beautiful, wise and compassionate women, I've been attending an NVC course.

Non-Violent Communication has been what I've hoped to build our family on from the start. I've read about it for a long time, tried out the language for a long time, but only now do I feel like I'm getting to the heart - to the truth of it.

The women at this group are magical. They're all different ages and at all different stages of life, some have young children, some teenagers, and some don't even have children but know that this way of communicating will benefit them and other people in their lives now, and their much loved children of the future. They are an inspiration to me and have been a tremendous source of support - I never want the class to end! Though, there is talk of continuing to meet on a Tuesday long after the 8 weeks are over - so fingers crossed!

The key for me, has been having the chance to take the core of this way of communicating seriously - which is the attention we need to give to ourselves in the form of self-empathy, and in developing our ability to identify our feelings and the needs they arise from. It's a tricky tangle of emotions, new words and confusion - and in the heat of the moment it isn't easy for me. The realisation on a heart level - because I've read it many times before without necessarily feeling it, that nobody - not our partners, children or anybody else, is responsible for meeting our needs has been such a massive one, and it's beginning to change everything.

Being able to take responsibility for what we need, to be able to link our feelings with those needs, gives us the power in our lives. It also gives us space to see our children, and others as people - with needs - ultimately, the same needs as us - and to recognise that every action is an attempt to get those needs met.

Then there's the 4 step communication "script". Let's just say there's been a lot of "when I see you............. I feel..............because I need............. would you be willing..............?" from me this week and whilst it doesn't always flow- sometimes the words fall clumsily from my mouth and I only just manage to catch those I really want to say and keep them in- it's helping us all connect with ourselves and with each other, without the confusion of blame.

Whilst Sophia has been going to her youth theatre group once a week, Nico, Elena and I have been enjoying the chance to explore the beautiful park and lake right next to the theatre. Which - I can now tell you with confidence, meets my need to be in nature - and take photos! ;)

(They love spotting the 'S' for Sophia )

With all this NVC running round my head though, it seems my life is full of words at the moment. Words spoken to me, almost constantly, words spoken by me nearly as often. Words I can say, words I'd rather not, words I'd like to hear, words I don't, and words in my head talking of ideas, new projects, excitements and disappointments - it can get pretty noisy all in all. So today we went somewhere where words simply aren't necessary - there are a few of them round these parts, and blessed with the sunshine - it was just what I needed to bring some stillness to my mind - we climbed a fell

(Ellie woke up on the way down and was so excited to spot the sheep )

At the top

and rolling back down!

Being out there, in that vast, beautiful space is simply awesome, and why we love to live in Cumbria. And whilst I won't deny the climb up and down was punctuated with some words I'd rather not have heard, like - "but why couldn't you carry the picnic up?" and "My legs are tired - carry me!" there's nothing like getting up to the top to put things into perspective. I just can't wait for Ellie to be walking so that I can join them in the roll down! :) Hope you've had a lovely week. xx

There's this poem....

2010-10-10T22:17:00.007+01:00

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

(Mary Oliver)

It's been on my mind all day- this verse, which is like my parenting manifesto, that last question - the only question perhaps we should bother answering - though the power of it I think, is much more in being asked it, than in any answer we might come up with.
But I've started to answer anyway.

Today we set off before the sun had finished rising and were home just as it set. We watched it rise over the Lake before the water had kicked off its thick white blanket of mist, before the river had started to stir, and before a single car had parked up at the water fall.....

and we walked. Together with my best friend from secondary school, who is staying with us for a while, we showed her the sights we have come to treasure

and my children - who need never to think about what they will do with their one wild and precious life, because their answer will always be at this perfect time - simply - Live It.

Like paddle in the river in October Live It.

Like, eat home-baked banana muffins at the top of a waterfall before 9am, Live It

And I decided the first thing I plan to do is to take more walks before the sun finishes rising

to laugh more

to waste not one more word, thought or breath on judgement, hatred or unkindness, because those words, thoughts and breaths belong to my family and their drive-way chalked houses

and drive-way chalked houses are beautiful and where life is I reckon

I plan to continue paying attention, to continue knowing how to be idle and blessed, to fall down in the grass and stroll through the fields of my day with my children - and I plan to continue blogging about it, in the quiet moments, the ones that are given to me when I've squeezed every last bit of juice out of my blessed day with my children, when it's dripping down my chin and I make sure I don't miss a drop - when they're dreaming of our adventures, our tears, tantrums and triumphs, and I am longing to share it all with other people who understand- that life is so big and beautiful, so scary and exciting - so wild and precious, that it's worth blogging about - worth connecting with others because of - worth sharing. I don't know what a prayer looks like, but maybe sometimes, my prayer - my gratitude for life, my searching for discovery, for clarity- looks like my blog.

I plan to find some time this week, to listen to the new ideas, thoughts and projects, which are stirring in my soul - I'll share them with you soon. I plan to ask myself this question every chance I get - the chances I don't get will be my answer, and I want it to be a good one.

So tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

"Right" and "Wrong"

2010-10-08T15:11:00.006+01:00

I think I might have lost my voice in this blogging world - lost my way a little. Or perhaps, it's not that I've lost my voice, just become a little preoccupied with what it sounds like - so that it's changed a little, moved away from the sound of my own true voice.

When I started this blog, I would have proudly labelled myself a "natural parent", and I worked for a prominent magazine in that field. In many ways, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be truly honest, because I worried I would not be welcome anymore if I admitted to the difficulties, the uncertainties, the compromises - how clueless I was a lot of the time. I no longer write for that magazine.

Conflict is never easy - but it's never harder than when it's with a strong, loud and public voice who appears to stand for what is "right".

I'm a little bit of right, and a little bit of wrong too - and my buttons? They're being tap danced on.

And while they're being jumped on with great oomph, I've been trying to untangle the real feelings behind it all, to own my part, to do the whole spiritual shenanigans and I have learnt a lot. There have been times, when I would have dearly loved to sit down at the computer and blog my reality, but I've stopped myself almost completely from "going there" and sharing what has been a very large part of my life for the past year because of the transparency of it all, and not wanting to rise to provocation. But it's hard to share, when you can't share totally, and whilst I don't want any part in a blog tit-for-tat, or a real world one for that matter, I am choosing to claim back my voice.

There are many voices in the "natural parenting" world - none of them right, none of them wrong, though some of them might claim differently. And whilst I'll concede with a nod of my NVC head, that no one can make you feel anything, some people try damn hard to let you know that you aren't doing it "right".

"You can't be a truly conscious, and natural parent if there's a tin of pringles in your cupboard - if you eat dairy - meat - put your children in nursery - spend time blogging - spend time feeling clueless - let your children push prams - let them play with swords - have an epidural - give your baby a bottle - blah, blah, blah" they say -

but we know that's balls right?

You can be anything you want to be - we all can. Some of those things are right for my family, some of them aren't - but I couldn't possibly say whether or not they are for you - nor can anybody else. Labels - titles - categories of parenting intentions - green, conscious, do you buy The Mother, Juno, The Green Parent? Junior? Mother and Baby? Do you use cloth nappies - EC? Do you do this, do you do that? now excuse me while I make my judgement.........

BALLS

We all come from the same place - we're ALL on the same team.

Maybe you eat crap food sometimes, maybe you eat raw food, maybe your kid went to nursery from age 6 months and you went back to work, maybe you homeschool, maybe you had a "natural" birth, maybe you had a Cesarean, maybe you eat meat, maybe you're a vegan, maybe you used a dummy, maybe you co-slept, maybe, maybe, maybe - no difference

We all parent from the same place -

and that place is love

And with us comes a dream to do our best, a drive to give our children the most wonderful start possible, and a life spent trying to do just that.

And who needs judgements when we all get out of bed in the morning living for that reason?

There's no denying, children have needs - real ones. There's lots of wonderful knowledge out there to be devoured about child-development, meeting their needs for nurturing, nutrition, knowledge, and many others - and our needs too. There's a whole ocean of choices, of facts and figures, of this-way-that-ways, of my-way-or-the-high-ways, of natural and not natural, of "right" and "wrong".

And then there are the children. The children who are all deeply lucky when their parents come from a place of love.

We must honour that truth surely, before all others? Then we can start throwing around ideas, thoughts, things we've heard, things we've read, things we've found to be true for us, things we've learnt from, things we haven't - and we can do it together. Not one person dishing out the way it has to be - but all of us, this team of mothers, this team of lovers, this team of I haven't slept properly for 6 years, but I'm rallying superwomen, who don't give up in the face of their beautiful children and the love they feel for them.

I so wish that between us all - standing on the same team, there was no such thing as judgements, no such things as "right" and "wrong". That there was no fear of love looking different for different people, and nobody claiming to be an authority on something you can't ever be certain of -ever - how somebody else should live their life.

Let me be radically honest to finish - I don't have a clue what I'm doing most days, other days I know exactly what I'm doing, and in between, I'm just living and loving - and nobody should ask for more than that - right?

A wedding

2010-10-04T22:19:00.005+01:00

Last week we went to Scotland, to the middle of a beautiful forest, to celebrate the wedding of some incredibly special friends of ours

To say it was beautiful, wouldn't do justice in any way to the time we spent there. To say it was time-stoppingly, heart achingly, soul searchingly, jaw-droppingly, totally and utterly beautiful - would be closer to the mark. And that wouldn't even be getting started on her dress, or the felt flower bouquet she made herself.

The wedding took place in the round house in the middle of the forest, and the ceremony was all written by the happy couple. There was the most exquisite fiddle playing from two of the groom's band mates, which had most of us guests in tears before the bride and groom even came in, and - well, I've never seen a wedding quite like it.

The kids had fun too......

Hearing the the vows that Anna and Joss made to each other, was for me, like a short, sharp focusing on the vows I stood and made 4 years ago on my wedding day. It was like a wake up call - an "Oh yeah, I did promise something like that too". It was a personal highlighting of all the times I haven't lived up to the promises I made as a new wife, and the ways I forget to honour and respect the relationship I have with my husband - and with all the people in my life.

Because even though we don't always go to a round house in Scotland - and get sunshine!! (seriously guys, how did you pull that one??!) to mark it, we all make promises and vows to each other in our day-to-day lives. Unspoken ones, inherent in the delicately woven connections between us all - which we get to honour, whenever we remember to- whenever we can come back to the present moment, recognise and take responsibility for the opportunity we always have to respect each other, and to live the way we really want to live - which for me is in love and in gratitude.

Being at the ceremony that sunny day, was one of those moments I suppose, like holding a newborn baby. When everything is exactly in perspective and the enormity - the massive importance of love, of each other and of life is clear as crystal. Yet I know that somehow as time goes by, it all gets a bit murky and you find yourself whinging about the washing up not being done, or stressing about bills and mess and sibling squabbles, or adult ones for that matter, and you forget to look each other in the eye as often and say - "I love you" like it's the most important, most significant thing in the world - which it always is, even when the credit card bill or the spilt cereal seems more pressing.

Anna and Joss are so deeply in love and I am so grateful for getting to share that day with them. I will never forget the impact it has had to watch two wonderful friends stand in such an intimate and vulnerable space, in the company of their family and friends, and choose to share the truth of their hearts with each other and with all of us.

To be in the presence of such simple and honest love, is like the essence of life. It gave me fresh eyes for seeing my own family, the people I love and the people I don't get on with so well - it reminded me that life is too short to act in anything other than kindness, and that beauty is in the simple act of walking together in life - treading softly, hand in hand.

Thank you Anna, Joss and Leon! We love you dearly. xx

Our one year old babe.....

2010-09-24T21:05:00.010+01:00

Prepare yourself - this is a mammoth post - but it ought to be - she turned one today you see?

But it can't have been a year - it just can't have been.

And yet it has. And today, I've been enjoying the bittersweet day that is a first birthday. I can't believe how she has grown. And how much she was meant to sit at our table and have her turn at wearing the Birthday crown. And when Sophia and Nico were out helping daddy with moving our wood delivery, and my dad and grandparents who are visiting, were out and about this afternoon, I found myself, as I very rarely do, alone - with my one year old babe.

And this song came on our cd player - the last track on a Raffi cd we play sometimes - and oh, how I cried, as she turned the pages of her new book, and pointed to the pictures and smiled at me, and tears rolled down my cheeks and we listened to the music together.

Happy Birthday sweet Ellie Bean - we love you so, what an amazing first year it's been. xx

"Baby dear - blessed be your shining light

Baby dear, blessed be your morning smile

Baby dear, blessed be your gleaming eyes.......

Blessed be the precious child

Our beloved baby dear

Baby dear, we will love with all our might

Baby dear, we will comfort you at night

Baby dear, with all the love we've got

We'll be there for you

Oh blessed be our newborn babe

So dream on, sweet dreams tonight

And we'll dream too, a future clear and bright

Dream on, soon you'll be standing strong and free

Oh blessed be, our newborn babe

Baby dear, blessed be your shining light,
Baby dear, blessed be your morning smile,
Baby dear, with all the love we've got to give,
We'll be there for you,
Oh blessed be our newborn babe,
Blessed be the hopes and dreams of our baby.

6 years ago today.........

2010-09-18T20:06:00.008+01:00

Our dance began........

and we couldn't have predicted the way it's gone - where becoming parents has taken us. Over 300 miles from "home" and way more than that away from the life we thought we'd be living. Homeschooling, "natural parenting" whatever you take it to mean - they weren't even in our vocabulary. From the moment Sophia arrived in our lives she has sparked off a journey we could never have envisaged and we have all grown so much in the past 6 years.

And yesterday we finally stuck in the photos in her baby book, I've only been meaning to do it since she was - well, a baby - but in a way it was much nicer to do it with her the day before her 6th birthday - talking about all the memories and staring at the photos barely recognising that little baby with the big girl who was helping me.........

Sophia was born at 4.45am. I didn't realise that 6 years later I'd be up far too close to that time making and baking for the fairies........

but in a way there was something really nice about being up in the middle of the night, all of the house silent and sleeping, remembering those hours when our parenting dance began - when I became a mummy for the first time, when those contractions started taking hold and as well as the excitement, the elation, the relief that finally our baby "Joey" as we called her then, was finally ready to be born, there was the fear - the fear I know I wasn't "supposed" to feel but that I did so deeply - the fear that I wouldn't know what to do, that I wouldn't be good enough at it, that I'd get it all horribly wrong and make huge mistakes.......

and I still have that fear sometimes, but now she is 6.

And the truth is I definitely haven't always known what to do, I haven't always made the right choices and I know now after being a first born, and after parenting one, that it really isn't always easy to be the eldest. Sometimes I feel like Sophia has been our practice run, we make all the mistakes on her, and then do it much better second and third time round - she's definitely watched me searching for the steps more than either of the others, and I'll always hope she knows how much we've tried.......and how much we've loved.........

but on her Birthday she's easy to please and the love is easy to see - wide eyed and in awe of the magic of a day all for her. On her fairy path she found a conker necklace made by the fairies.....

and she was so pleased with her little wax tablet to draw and write on....

and the clothes I sewed for her rag doll, half asleep in the early hours of the morning, asking myself when on earth I'm going to start doing things before they absolutely need doing! (Sophia made this ragdoll at a workshop at the local watermill)......

and then, after a mad rush (of course) of making and baking picnic things, we headed back to the river for another birthday picnic - but this time with a lot of really lovely people we are so blessed to be friends with - and I mean really blessed

and there was a special delivery - thankyou so much Derek - I can't tell you what this meant to us......

after the cake there was a treasure trail........

and then it was back home with an extremely happy six year old.

The whole day has been so simple and gentle and not at all how I thought I would "do Birthdays" for my children. I once thought birthdays were about heaps of presents, wrapping paper everywhere, over-excitement, tears, tantrums, sugary foods and party bags handed out to too many over-tired children, and although right before I get ready to "go live" with a very simple celebration I panic like mad and get guilt ridden with thoughts like "what if she's disappointed there isn't more", I have been so amazed today to watch the delight she took in the most simple things - and her friends too - a stone with their name painted on it, a conker bracelet - things that definitely aren't about more but they were so happy with them and I feel so lucky to be around children who are appreciative of those magical things.

It has been such peaceful day really - full of gratitude and love, a few sparkles and flowers, home-made gifts, birthday cake and songs, and those special people who came out for her, and Sophia wrote the "guest list"- just added to that a whole lot - thankyou!
She was really pleased -

and so were we!

And speaking of grateful - thankyou so much everyone who left such lovely, supportive comments on my last post about rhythm - I can't tell you how nourishing it was for me to read them. It's so strengthening to dance with reminders on the fridge when you know you're not doing it alone! :-)

The rhythm's on the fridge

2010-09-12T21:09:00.006+01:00

You know when you're dancing, and you're really feeling 'it'? - the rhythm I mean- you've let go a bit and you're starting to cut loose - you let your hair down and you kick off your shoes and you get ready for a long night without caring what anyone thinks? That's where I was on Wednesday. But there's nothing worse for finding your feet than someone telling you you're doing it 'wrong' and it throws you for a loop. That's where I am right now.

In the "natural parenting" world - a term, quite frankly, I'm now pretty sick of, there are plenty of people who'll tell you whether or not you're doing it 'right'. If you're like me - you'll care.

"Intuition" becomes the buzz word for making those of us who aren't quite so certain about everything; who need a little more information or guidance, feel silly and as though we're just not tuned-in enough.

If you were blessed enough to be raised in a way that's close to how you're raising you're own children then you'll hear it louder than most - the beat I mean. It's there all the time, rhythmically pulsating, like the heartbeat of our earth, and it's in all of us. It's in our breath, our own heartbeat and every inch of our being. It is our intuition - and we've all got it.

But, if you were raised a little - or a lot - differently to how you're trying to bring up your own little ones, if Saturday mornings were more likely to be about television and coco pops than freshly squeezed orange juices and rambling adventures in beautiful, nature-drenched settings, if your only encounter with the word 'rhythm' was on Top-of-the-Pops and you no more watched the sun rising and setting than you would have done the second hand on a clock ticking, then you might not hear it so loud.

You might have moments of intense knowing - of frantic searching, - you know you have to find your way back to it somehow because it is in you, it is you, but it's softer, sometimes it's so soft, it's almost silent, and you need a little help. You need a little guidance, a few books, a few articles, a plan or two - and so - you pin your rhythm on your fridge.

You do it, not because it's a routine, or because it's set in stone, or because you want a set of rules to follow - you do it, knowing that you probably won't even look at it by day 4, but you do it because you'll do anything you can to try-

to try and find your way back to the beat.

And sometimes, you're rocking it like you'd never believe. Your intuition is in full voice and you're listening, feet tapping, body rocking - it's all you. The pieces of paper fade into the background and the pulsating rhythm of life lives through you and your little ones as you go about your day - you no more need "the plan" than you need a reminder to breathe

Other days, you don't feel like getting out of bed, because being at home all day with little ones, homeschooling - unschooling - living - whatever you want to call it, 'right' or 'wrong', is a long and exhausting dance, and your feet are aching. You don't feel trained enough, prepared enough, or ready. You feel like you're dancing alone - a dance that nobody else even understands why you're bothering to move to

but you're heart knows you won't give up dancing for a second.

And sometimes, you'll be way off beat - you'll be like that person at the disco who doesn't even look up because they're so absorbed in their own off-beat world - they're shaking it - and they don't care who's looking, because they're dancing like their life depended on it - maybe not even just their life

and there will be those who think they know the 'right' way to dance, and they'll tell you you're way is all wrong. They'll want to label it, to judge it and to tell you how to do it the 'proper' way - they're way - but it won't help

because you can't teach rhythm -

you can only be quiet, move out of the way - and let people listen to their own souls long enough to find it in themselves.

You can't explain it, write it, or find it for someone else

You can't define it, recognise it always, or know if someone else has it

You can't judge it, copy it, or pin it on your fridge, even if you try - and it doesn't even matter if you do

because that's the thing about rhythm - everyone can have it - but it never looks the same.

I know I know the beat - it's just sometimes the world is so noisy and it moves faster than I expected. My feet get tangled and I fall flat on my face. It happens to all of us right?

I'd love to be the girl who dances like she was born doing it - like it's the most natural thing in the world and she'll never put a foot wrong,

before having children I went to a performing arts school, and I was always ashamed to be the one who had to see the steps more often than others before I "got it"

and now in this new part of my life, I've still got a lot of catching up to do - a lot of listening, a lot of wrong steps, and a lot of pinned up, taken down and re-worked rhythms to write, and I'm no longer ashamed of it. Because good choreography, like everything beautiful, sensitive, responsive and real - takes hard work. And like everything which is natural, it has a form - a very soft, very gentle, very changeable form - but a form none-the-less.

I am certain of nothing, but that I can never know anything for certain. I once thought I was doing my children a great favour by not feeding them sugar and using the "natural" alternative -agave instead.

Then I found out, I was wrong.

You too?

That will happen many times again - being wrong I mean. And if you see me or anyone else dancing their beat, it is surely the most beautiful, most alive thing in the world to remember, that sometimes we're all 'wrong' because no one knows what 'right' really is - even if they tell you they do

Life - and dancing are like that.

If you are someone who has to listen harder, try harder, work harder to dance this "natural" life - I hope you will never be afraid to pin your rhythm to your fridge - just in case you need it one day.

Day 3........

2010-09-08T20:45:00.005+01:00

was baking day. So we made pastry for samosas for dinner, and baked sesame squares for our afternoon snack.......they're a bit like vegan flapjack, but with tahini and lots of sesame seeds

This morning I actually managed to get out of bed before they woke up. Even though I've been waking at 6.15am this week, I've not yet been physically out of bed without them hopping right out with me! And it was just as it always is when you manage those magical few early morning moments while your little ones sleep on - blissful! I'm just amazed at how much it changes my frame of mind - and although they were up, it can't have been more than 10 short minutes after me, we were very soon downstairs and straight outside even before breakfast - and we were met by these beautiful birds all along the wires........

so then we flew around the garden like birds, cheeping and flapping and hopefully not waking up any neighbours at that early hour. And then Nico was a chicken pecking around and they both became spiders scurrying across the floor, and I was so grateful to be giving them what they so truly need - a Mama who is awake and ready to have fun with them right from the off. For so long I've reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, always believing that "I'm tired" and I need just a few more minutes - then I just had to have a stern talking to myself before this new rhythm started and ask myself how many more mornings I was going to waste trying to squeeze a few more minutes in bed, when I could be up living every second and loving it with my little ones, and so that's what we've been doing!

Next, I juggled the rhythm a bit, and they weren't too pleased. They've so been looking forward to another "homeschool" day like Monday, that they didn't really want to get in the car to go and look at more houses. So we negotiated and we did circle time in the car! "We're sort of in a circle" I said, and it wasn't quite how Steiner might have pictured it I'm sure, but it worked just this once! But what we compromised on circle time, we made up for with our morning walk -which we got to take here.......

while doing yet more house hunting......

We haven't found the perfect one yet, but we will I'm sure. I know! the one I photographed yesterday was beautiful and in a lovely village -but would you believe it was right next door to a primary school? - which isn't a problem necessarily, it's just that the garden was almost on top of the school yard with nothing but a wire fence separating the two, and I envisaged Sophia and Nico spending lots of time watching the children at break times, and it just didn't feel like it would work. So, after a few more house viewings, we were back home for lunch - Nico's favourite quinoa, with roasted vegetables, and corn on the cob.........

Then they set up an outdoor house and spent quite a while taking the contents of the larder cupboard outside and "pretend cooking" while I grappled with making the samosas interrupted only by Nico running in with the peanut butter, tell-tale smears around his lips saying "Mummy look! this peanut butter came open by an accident".......hmmmm I wonder........

Then, because I had to see one of the houses just once more before we could rule it out, we set off back to the beautiful view with samosas for a late picnic.

And now they're all sleeping peacefully! The next two days are going to be home days, and I'm looking forward to really sinking into the day like we did on Monday. Sophia is desperate to have another day like that one - so, tomorrow here we come!

Day 2......

2010-09-07T20:43:00.007+01:00

"Veg market day" - started like this..........

and ended like this.............

with all of this in between...............

house hunting

picking our fruit and veg.......
and eating far too much of it before we even leave the stall.....

but still leaving all of this to unpack back home.......

what could be better than organic avocado and parsley fresh from the veg market for this girl's lunch?..........

playing shops

finding a quiet space to "read"

and having lots of fun in the bath

it's been another good day! Getting up early is working! We were all ready - and I mean totally ready - like, I didn't forget the cloth shopping bags and have to ask for boxes from the veg market people, or juggle a million health food shop things in already full arms; and I remembered things like change for the carpark and extra socks, because somehow, one of them always loses a pair and I never understand how, when they were already on their feet; all by 8am! Which meant we had almost an hour to play with daddy before taking him to work, rather than the usual 15 minutes to feed, wash and dress three children and get out of the door and a daddy who was getting to work just a little bit late and already a lot tired from rushing! And so we're onward for day 3 - "baking day", which might take a little juggling, as we have two houses to view in the morning, so I might have to take things into my own hands, throw caution to the wind, and do a little rubbing out on the plan, and move some things to day 4 - but then, there's real life out of the plan too I guess!

We're getting them off to bed a bit earlier too, which is giving me more evening early on, rather than at 11 o'clock at night, and I'm hoping to blog our adventures every day this week, so that I'll have a whole week of our infamous "new rhythm" to look back on - hopefully not when it's all fallen apart in a few weeks! :) See you on the other side of day 3!

Day 1.....

2010-09-06T21:07:00.008+01:00

was a success!! My alarm went off at 6.15am - but that was unneccessary, because my boy was so excited about his first day of "homeschool" that he was up way before that! So, I lay in bed as he whispered away to himself, and just filled my heart with how grateful I was for this day, this opportunity and this life........and then we were off! with the rhythm stuck up on the fridge - there was no going wrong I guess!

After picking some flowers for the breakfast table, speaking a seasonal verse and blessing and eating our homemade muesli - all before 8am, we were at the park not long after, collecting leaves and other interesting gifts from Mother Earth on the way - which took a while with two very keen gatherers.......

One of the things I really want to do on our daily walks is to just be aware together of all the changes around us, which we are anyway in a here-and-there sort of way, but to really focus on it, talk about it, tell stories and watch it all happen before our eyes - the changing leaves, the falling conkers, the little gnomes lighting the way for the root children beneath the earth. In the coming weeks I'm going to encourage them to choose a special tree and then we'll start noting the changes we see in different ways - photographs, drawings, bark rubbings, leaf collecting - I hope this will be a really good way for them to feel connected with the nature all around them. Finding a brown conker was Sophia's big mission in the park today - and she found a few much to her delight........

and Nico set to work building a fairy house.......

while Elena had fun in the swing

Then back home to put our (many!) finds on the nature table........

and have our morning snack. We'd already chopped the fruit before we left, and the nutty balls, which were made with apricots, raisins, hazelnuts, walnuts and almonds all soaked over night and blended, rolled into balls and then rolled in coconut........

we also made these nori roses from Shazzie's Evie's Kitchen - Elena loved them

Then it was time for me to call circle time, and we lit a candle and sung verses and played finger games together. We did some movement and yoga too, and then I told the story of The Enormous Turnip. After that, we drew the story together.........well - except Nico, who drew "a tractor" of course!

The other thing we did today, which I've been wanting to do for ages - was start our Weather Tree. This was a gift from a gorgeous Mama friend the day Elena was born, and we've been meaning to start it since! Today was just the right occassion - and we had to add in "windy" on the weather list, because today was a very windy day!

Then, they played for ages with the playdough I made - this really worked well, so soft and fun to play with, and they were so involved for so long making different meals and having parties and all sorts, while I made lunch and even got dinner going - all before 12pm!

Then, after lunch it was outside for some garden work - Sophia dug potatoes to go in the soup for dinner, and others to store..........

Derek - look at these!! :)

And she did some weeding - yes, the first we've done all year!

And while Elena napped, I found another use for the sling!

The other amazing thing of the day was this "road" I made with masking tape. I must have read the idea somewhere ages ago, though I can't remember when or where - because I can't have made this up! it was too brilliant - and again, they were off playing for hours together......

I taught the piano from 5pm this afternoon, so daddy came home and helped finish the spelt bread rolls, and got all 3 in an early bath. Then they came down, we ate dinner together and went off to bed for stories and a loving kindness meditation. Daddy and I were back downstairs by 8pm with 3 sleeping babes! Now - I know every day can't and won't go that smoothly, but it has been such a great day, and really reminded me just how much my children thrive with a rhythm, but most of all, a mummy who knows what on earth she's doing! The little, simple things which take so little time, but which show them that life can be thoughtful, and caring and as I like to say at the moment - lived on purpose, matter so much, and make up their very childhood. I hope their childhood can be full of days like today.

And now, before I head off to bed to get some shut eye before we head off for our veg-market day (we've got some turnip to buy), I get to start the other thing I've been meaning to start for a long time now.....

and after today - there is SO much to put in!

I know lots of us homeschooling and blogging Mamas have been trying for new rhythms and fresh starts this week - I hope you've had a good day too!